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Scene Says

Matt Brown | Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dear Scene,
In light of your recent advice column on pranksters, I have an important query regarding the ethics of pranking. A good two months ago, some acquaintances initiated a prank war with our room. We spent valuable time, brainpower and Flex points deviously plotting our revenge. Fists were shaken, middle fingers were raised and friendships were shattered. Currently, we’re up, 3-1, and they haven’t responded in a solid month, demonstrating their cowardice, lack of strong leadership and deservedness of pranking. Is it morally objectionable to prank them again? Let me rephrase that. Should we prank them again?
Frustrated in Badin  

Dear Frustrated in Badin,
Your aptitude for prankish behavior is to be commended and astounds even us, veterans of several tours of pranktitude including the unforgettable conflict of 2004. We wholeheartedly support the furthering of this battle. We believe you have a right, nay an obligation to continue to take this fight to their proverbial doorstep. However, gird your loins, as your tomfoolery tutor, I feel I must warn you that this seeming inaction by your foes may be a clever ruse to lull you into a unsuspecting comfort only to strike with a fiery vengeance.  After all, America did not create its nuclear arsenal in seven days. When they strike, and strike they will be they any men at all, prepare yourselves for pranking at an entire new level.  It may be wise to stockpile several days worth of food and water, as well as duct tape and industrial strength plastic sheeting.  Whatever their response, remain calm and take it with good humor and a jolly heart. Any consternation they cause, you cannot hold a candle to the great campaign of terror you have carried over the intervening months. Personally, we have witnessed pranks in which the planning process took years as well as multiple thousands of dollars. Your act of pranking may only incite their rage, causing them to add nefarious elements to their already devious prank. We must also warn you about the perils of repeated and escalating pranking, the fall of the Roman Empire can be directly correlated to the large volume of silly string and fake noses imported by Nero in an attempt to get back at Hannibal after his hilarious well-executed elephants over the mountains prank.
We realize our advice may offend some of our readership with the delicate feelings of an emotional under-developed adolescent girl. Some may even say that we’re advocating kicking your opponent while he is down, weeping in a puddle of his own filth? Our response to these overzealous critics is comprised of two equally important pieces: First, man up. Second, what would you do if it was Jackie Chan who was down?  Would you stand there and let him jump up and proceed to beat you with a lemon peel? No. You have to press your advantage and in this case, be positive that their lives never become a monotonous drudgery sure to sear the soul.
Prank and prank well my children,
Is your life troubled? Do you need the wise words that only an anonymous paper can provide? You’re not alone. We’re looking out for you. We’ve been there, walking the same dark alleyways and dirty sidewalks you’re currently traversing. We came out better men and women and only wish to pass our sage advice onto the future generation. Do you have a question, problem, quandary or otherwise sticky situation that you need help with? Write Scene at [email protected]