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Son of a Pitch

Matt Roe | Friday, February 5, 2010

I had not realized how far we, as an American society, had fallen until I read the responses to the question of the day on Monday, Feb. 1.
Reading the responses to the question of “What infomercial product would you be?” was nothing less than disheartening and quite depressing. A mop. A weight-loss program. Sham-wow. How quickly we have all forgotten the man who could actually make Americans sit there, look at the product being pitched and say, “Wow, I could use this. No, I need this!” But wait, there’s more!
The epitome of products that have ever been pitched wasn’t even mentioned: OxiClean! I for one, whenever I hear the word oxygen, am reminded of the awesome power that this detergent harnesses in just one scoop. It makes your whites whiter, your brights brighter! Whenever I see someone wearing a blue-collared shirt, with a full black beard and a smile that would make even my roommate smile (his nickname is Eeyore,) I remember and give thanks for having had the privilege to have seen such a visage and hear such a heart-warming “Hi” while watching TV.
So here’s to you, Billy Mays! Not everyone has forgotten you, and if I were an infomercial product, I would be proud to be OxiClean, with a second bucket of me distributed free if people call now.

Matt Roe
Morrissey Manor
Feb. 4