Keep your baseball
Georges Toumayan | Friday, April 16, 2010
First and foremost, I would like to disagree with the very first sentence of the April 14 article “In defense of baseball” (Andy Ziccarelli). The article opens with: “Spring in the Midwest is exciting.” Halt! This statement is akin to saying that Jim Carey is funny — objectively and undeniably wrong. The only thing exciting about spring in the Midwest is that sometimes houses tend to go up for sale in the East, South or North, and you can promptly pack your bags and never look back. The article then takes a turn for the worse as the author begins to prattle on about various aspects that could make baseball exciting. (At one point Ziccarelli informs us that he’ll wait for us to stop laughing, upon which I had to wait to stop laughing.)
Eventually I took the time to consider this viewpoint. I understand that while the pitcher has to perform the lofty task of throwing a ball fast or with a curve, the batter has to respond by swinging the bat at it, not knowing what to expect. Semantics do change things a whole lot, and I’m not too worried about it. The problem is that I’m not in the mind of the pitcher or batter, I’m in the mind of myself … and I’m bored. You know what I’d rather do than watch baseball? Anything. Even laundry. At least that way my clothes would be clean, rather than watching some person who is completely unremarkable in every way except for the fact that he takes gratuitous amounts of steroids and is always spitting up brown saliva everywhere. Watching baseball is like torture.