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I hate Notre Dame

Christian Myers | Friday, April 1, 2011

Notre Dame is a school steeped in tradition and praised by alumni, students and faculty alike. I hate it.

Coming to Notre Dame was the worst decision of my life — Why didn’t I just go to Georgetown? — and I have regretted it ever since that fateful day last spring.

Why do I hate Notre Dame? Well, aside from Notre Dame being a narrow minded, elitist, overpriced, penny-pinching, Stone Age, backward, homogenous, soul-less, repressive, tyrannical, unexciting, inferior institution, the food is disgusting.

I live near South Dining Hall and have to ingest the same unimaginative, underprepared food every day. It is a truly horrible situation, and I can only imagine how much worse it must be for those who have to endure North Dining Hall. There is of course a Burger King on campus, but while the logo may look like a beacon of hope amid the stormy seas of nauseating foodstuffs even Burger King is tainted by Notre Dame. It must be something in the air, or more likely the water — given the quality of what comes from the sink in my room, I often wonder if I’d be better off NOT washing my hands.

Speaking of my room, residential life on this campus is the stuff of dreams — and by dreams I mean nightmares! If I wanted to live inside of a cinder block, have my actions governed by strict rules and never interact with the opposite sex, I would go to prison. Instead I live in a place called Fisher Hall and feel my hope slowly dying.

While on the subject of hopelessness, let’s not forget the student body. I’d like to know how I am supposed to be exposed to new life experiences by a bunch of rich kids from Chicagoland. The overwhelming banality of the students makes me feel like I am in a small room with the walls slowly closing in, only the walls are thousands of former high school athletes wearing American Eagle clothes and listening to iPods — presumably to drown out my screams of terror. Even if I accept the lack of diversity at Notre Dame, I have to deal with everyone’s arrogance. I mean we’re basically all the same person, so why are people so smug?

The worst part of this school, however, is something I signed myself up for. I made the unfortunate mistake of working for The Observer. In addition to being a completely irrelevant publication, they demand too much of me. I am required to write story upon story that no one will ever read. Once a week, I am forced to sit in an over-heated office laying out pages no one will read for a salary below the cost of a postage stamp. Sometimes I fantasize about submitting a story written entirely in wing-dings and wonder if anyone would even notice.

Finally, I’d like to add that it is April Fool’s Day.

We have our problems, but Notre Dame is my home — I love ND.

April Fools!