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Alumni ad-libs

| Monday, September 12, 2011

Last year, I noticed a trend in alumni Letters to the Editor after football losses, which appears to be catching on once again. So I figured I would save our, no doubt, very busy alumni some time by drawing up a template for them that they can simply fill out and resubmit.

No need to thank me.

I, (name of alumnus) was (adjective), (synonym of adjective), and downright (synonym of adjective) after the game on Saturday. Never mind that the team performed like (animal) feces, or that (head coach)’s face was consistently (color) — no, the real problem lies in the student section.

Back in (national championship year), I never would have dreamed that Notre Dame fans would behave so (negative adjective). Leaving the game early? Booing the team?! I never would have booed (ND football icon), and not just because he had (impressive statistics).

It was because I had love for the team, which was in no way related to our (big number)-(small number) record.

Back in my day, if the football team had performed like it has in recent years, I would have shown the same support, and that is in no way an embellishment or an exaggeration.

You (insulting adjective) current students have yet to realize that you are the team’s only hope.

(Rankings poll) and (TV contractor) will realize before long that Notre Dame doesn’t deserve (fraction) of the preseason accolades it receives.

We alumni won’t be here forever, and when we’re gone, who will contribute to the sense of entitlement on campus?

Most importantly, who will write outraged letters to (student publication) complaining about (irrelevant issue)? Shame on you.

In closing, I would like to remind the reader that this letter is in no way an attempt to project my frustration with the football team on (anything but the football team) because of my inability to accept the reality of accountability.

Besides, I make $(obscene number) a year as (ambiguous position title) at (impressive corporation), so what I say matters.



Class of (some number between 1960-1990)

Hank Duden


O’Neill Hall

Sept. 8