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Best Worst Movies: “Heartbreakers”

Courtney Eckerle | Thursday, September 29, 2011


It has been a Sigourney Weaver overload since her visit to Saint Mary’s at the beginning of the week, but it got me thinking about one of my favorite best worst movies — and don’t you dare think “Ghostbusters” because you’d be dead wrong. In fact, a very persuasive argument could be made that “Ghostbusters” is an amazingly brilliant movie. 

“Heartbreakers” is the winner today. 

So for those of you who aren’t familiar, it stars Sigourney Weaver obviously, as well as Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ray Liotta, Gene Hackman and Jason Lee. Zach Galifianakis and Sarah Silverman are even thrown in there. A totally random cast — always a best worst movie plus. Also, probably the best tagline in all of movie history, “Caution: Dangerous Curves Ahead.”

Weaver and J. Love are a mother-daughter con duo who marry men for the divorce settlement. The mother, Max (Weaver) marries them, and then Page (Hewitt) flounces in as the tempting piece of tail, and voila, divorce court. It all makes a lot of sense. Anyways, everything starts to go wrong as these gauche Gilmore Girls decide to pull one last con, but Page makes the biggest con mistake of all — falling in love. 

She falls for the owner of a bar (Lee) way out in the swamps of Palm Beach, which just happens to be on a million dollar tract of land. Dilemma. At the same time, Mommy Dearest is trying to seduce a barely alive human ashtray who happens to be worth billions as a tobacco executive (Hackman), but as Page says, “Old money, but also just plain old.” Max uses the disguise of a Russian woman named Ulga, and the Russian accent is classic. Prepare to annoy your friends by speaking in it for a few days.

Basically the entire movie can be summed up in these two lines:

Page: “I can make men do anything.”

Max: “Boys. You can make boys do anything. Gas station attendants, bartenders, the occasional migrant worker…”

The rest of the movie is spent trying to prove which one is better at manipulating men, so it’s great for female self-esteem. 

The zany (its always a must watch when you put the word “zany” in there) plot isn’t even the best part. It’s the puns. This movie is so flipping punny. For instance: “Excuse me, may I grab your nuts? Mmm. Salty.”

There is a whole lot more that is totally inappropriate, completely hilarious and unfortunately unprintable. You do however get to hear Page get called a junior slut and the seed of Satan by Liotta, which is just funny. 

Also for con artists, they wear some fantastic clothing. For the male population, Hewitt’s cleavage is pretty much a separate character in the movie. It has a plot line.

Then there’s my personal favorite, surprisingly poignant, thought provoking quote, “God is everywhere.” “Yes, he is, isn’t he? Nosy bastard.”

See, Mother? You were wrong. I can learn something from watching these stupid movies.