New To Your Queue
Kevin Noonan | Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Dear Netflix Instant Watch,
I thought we had something special. I really did. Granted, it was a household account, so we weren’t exclusive, but I was fine with just being on the side.
But then you went and broke my heart. You raised your price, and my household realized it was in a loveless relationship and broke it off. They’ll survive; the rest of my family has “jobs” and “lives” and stuff like that to invest themselves in and get over this.
What about me though? How am I supposed to move on? Hulu? Don’t even.
Once upon a time, I tried to make it work with Hulu. It went okay for a while. But a handful of reruns of NBC shows could only get me so far.
And then I found you and I thought I was set, so I left Hulu out to dry. But since I left, they’ve gotten too cool for school just like you. And I’m not going to pay them the same and get less than I would from you.
So where do I turn? Amazon Instant? Not a real thing. Blockbuster? Good one.
And so I’ve been on withdrawal. It’s rough. I’m getting sleep at night. I have time to do my homework. I haven’t seen an episode of “Psych” in weeks. I’m going to start getting the shakes pretty soon.
But it’s given me time to think. It’s given me time to reflect on our relationship. I’ll admit, I wasn’t completely fair with you. I wasn’t technically the one “paying” for your service, but all relationships are based on irrationalities aren’t they?
Anyways though, I’ve been thinking back on our time together. And I’ve come to this conclusion — you kind of suck. Suck might not be the right word. But you definitely were not good enough to get all-cool on me and start upping your asking price.
Sure, we had some good times. There was “Psych,” the best show currently on television. And, of course, how could I forget “Arrested Development,” the greatest comedy show of all time? How about “Pineapple Express,” the movie for which James Franco should’ve won an Oscar? And then maybe my favorite of yours, “Memento.” Oh Chris Nolan and your mind games, you so silly. Plus who doesn’t love Guy Pearce? Why is that guy not more famous?
But then I kept thinking. I wanted to watch “Pineapple Express” again recently. It was a wonderful film, but not a movie you can just watch once if you want to pick up on all of the subtle and highbrow humor.
So I went to look it up. But it wasn’t there. I looked a little deeper. It simply wasn’t there anymore. No explanation, no excuse. Just pulled.
Maybe you have a perfectly good reason why you did it. Or maybe you just did it because it was getting popular and the people who made “Step Up 3” got jealous. I don’t know. I just wish we could have talked about it.
And I kept reflecting. Your attributes really weren’t that great. Yeah, you got lots of new stuff every few weeks. But the best part about your “Newly Added” section was that it gave my friends and I the chance to play everyone’s favorite game, “Japanese Anime Sit-Com or Japanese Anime Porn?” You thought you were going to keep me interested by tossing me “First Sunday” and “Titanic 2?” You were incorrect.
And if you thought that a lackluster facelift is going to make me want to stick around, think again. Now you’re going to call your DVD service Qwikster? Really? Who came up with that? My bet is on the same guys who came up with “Sudden Valley” for the name of the housing development in “Arrested Development.” I cannot believe somebody got paid for that.
Remember when you talked my ear off about that big Miramax deal, and how it was going to be so great? Yeah, it got me “Pulp Fiction,” but what about all the other ones I wanted to see? Where was “Rounders?” How can I act like an elitist snob around my friends if I haven’t seen “No Country for Old Men” or “There Will Be Blood?” And, heaven forbid I give praise to a Ben Affleck film but gosh darn it all, the guy can direct movies, where was “Gone Baby Gone?”
Look, I get it. You’re thinking, “What’s eight dollars a month for this kid? That’s half a 30 rack of bottled water.” That’s a reasonable thought I guess. But like I said, relationships are all about irrational behavior. All’s fair in love and war, but don’t ask me to pay more for your service without giving me anything in return. That’s not love, that’s borderline prostitution.
Let’s be honest with each other here for once, if you were really that important to me, if you were really that great, I could make it work. But you’re not. And you’re not. It’s not me Netflix, it’s you.
And why am I breaking up with you in a letter? Because I’m not in high school anymore, a text wouldn’t cut it.
Don’t let the front door hit you on the way out.