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Not exactly the perfect crime

Maria Wilson | Friday, September 16, 2011

Dear anonymous bike thief,

As you very well know, as you were the one to steal it, my bike was taken from the McGlinn bike racks over the weekend. I was quite upset, as I loved zooming to Jordan or Let’s Spoon on my little beach cruiser. However, once I filed the report with NDSP, I assumed I would never see my poor bike again. I also assumed that the theft was the work of some evil off-campus entity, bent on destroying the small amount of transportation freedom in my possession. This assumption, however, was disproved when my very own bike was spotted chained outside Ryan Hall Tuesday afternoon, meaning that the theft was the work of a fellow Fighting Irishman.

On one hand, I thought Notre Dame students were supposed to show honor and integrity in all areas of our lives. It is clear that you have neither of these traits, as you felt the need to take something that clearly did not belong to you.

Secondly, and perhaps more obviously, Notre Dame students are supposed to be smart. So, if you are going to be inconsiderate enough to steal my bike from me, why would you not remove my “Maria” license plate from the back, a.k.a. literally the one feature distinguishing my Huffy Cranbrook from the few hundred others riding around campus. Not only am I offended by your lack of respect for my property, I’m offended by your lack of decent common sense required to pull off petty theft.

So, good try, bike thief. Maybe you thought that denting the fender, tearing the seat and destroying part of the handlebar would make my bike indistinguishable. But unfortunately, leaving a personalized name tag on a stolen bike kind of gives you away.

Forevermore on the prowl for Notre Dame bike thieves,

Maria Wilson


McGlinn Hall

Sept. 14