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Worst Week Ever

Adriana Pratt | Thursday, September 22, 2011

Guess who’s having the … Worst. Week. Ever.

You stayed up past 2 a.m. finishing a lousy paper. You got shamelessly dumped over a South Dining Hall dinner. You flunked a test — which by Notre Dame standards (at least if you’re a Poli Sci major) means you got a B.

Whatever it is, your week kind of stunk.

Have no fear, though. There’s someone out there whose week was way worse, and on display for the whole world to see. Think Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwarzenegger, etc. — people who make you think, “Wow, at least that wasn’t me.”

So to celebrate the fact that our lives aren’t as bad as we think they are, or at least not as open to mockery, Scene is launching the “Worst. Week. Ever.” column. Subjects will vary from celebrities to politicians to really anyone who has made fools out of themselves. If you want to nominate your roommate, send me an email.

This week, we begin with the person who inspired this column idea long, long ago. A man who told scared viewers he was high off a drug that shared his very own name. A man who famously claimed he shared blood with a tiger. A man who has three ex-wives and a couple of goddesses cursing his existence. A man called Charlie Sheen.

Just when Sheen’s uncontrollably-blazing star was finally puttering out, the season premiere of “Two and Half Men” aired Monday. Sheen was bolted back into the spotlight — a place that had become a second home to him during his public meltdown last spring. Instead of reveling in his re-found fame, though, Sheen was forced to watch Ashton Kutcher steal his show — literally.

Kutcher replaced Sheen on the famous CBS sitcom “Two and a Half Men” after Sheen was fired from the series. This week’s premiere, which began with the death of Sheen’s character and introduced Kutcher as the new billionaire in town, premiered to 27.8 million viewers — the show’s largest audience ever. Sheen not only watched himself die, but also saw a younger, handsomer man replace him with obvious success.

To add insult to injury, Sheen participated in Comedy Central’s celebrity roast, which aired the same day as the “Two and a Half Men” premiere. Talk about masochistic. As the gorgeous Kutcher took his stride on CBS, William Shatner knocked Sheen’s looks for all they were worth.

“First off Charlie, I’m 80-years-old. You’re what, 47?” Shatner asked.

“46,” Sheen replied.

“Then how come we look like we went to high school together?” Shatner asked, digging the nail into Sheen’s ego’s coffin.

Seth MacFarlane commented on Sheen’s deteriorated career, noting his past success and bleak future.

“I really think you and Emilio should do a follow up to ‘Men and Work’ and you can call it ‘Men Who Don’t Work Anymore,'” MacFarlane said. “Honestly Charlie, I never thought I would live to see this night that you would live to see this night.”

To watch yourself get verbally slaughtered and successfully replaced all in the same day would crush anyone’s spirits. Charlie Sheen, you officially get the “Worst. Week. Ever.” Award. #Winning.

Contact Adriana Pratt at [email protected]

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily of The Observer.