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Scene takes on the NCAA

Scene Staff Report | Tuesday, March 20, 2012


The original Scene bracket, like many others this year, got pretty roughed up by the first weekend of games. UNC-Asheville going down that early really killed us. But the Scene staff has decided to collectively re-pick its bracket based on the remaining teams and show off its prophetic sports knowledge. Just kidding. It just gave Scene yet another a chance to reinforce all the stereotypes the Sports section has about us. Below are our picks, along with the somewhat unconventional reasoning behind them. Check back next week for the Final Four and Championship predictions.

Sweet Sixteen
No. 4 Wisconsin Badgers vs. No. 1 Syracuse Orange
Since they’re known as the “Orange,” Syracuse should have a mastery of orange colored spheres. Contrarily, badgers are probably more inclined towards woodland matters and other small animal things. Syracuse by a bushel.

No. 4 Louisville Cardinals vs. No. 1 Michigan State Spartans
Every March people remember those overused lines from the movie “300” and proclaim, “This is Madness!” when referring to March Madness. While the immediate reply in the movie is, “This is Sparta!” people forget that the Spartans died at the hand of Xerxes. We’re siding with the Persians on this one. Louisville Cardinals by 300.

No. 6 Cincinnati Bearcats vs. No. 2 Ohio State Buckeyes
Skyline Chili trumps any food that has come out of Columbus, Ohio. I mean, has any famous food come out of Ohio (not including Cincinnati, that is)? The Bearcats, fueled by this food of champions, will overcome the odds to beat OSU. Plus, it’s no longer the Ides of March, so Brutus and his Buckeyes are doomed to fail. Cincinnati by a Loaded Chili Bowl.

No. 7 Florida Gators vs. No. 3 Marquette Golden Eagles
The problem with Gators playing basketball is that they aren’t very tall nor can they jump very high. Gators are very scary animals and not a good choice to play against in a game of water polo, but for basketball I’m going with the Golden Eagles – they can fly and are golden. Plus, this guy playing for Marquette looks like a robot version of Kanye West. Now, I’m gonna let Florida fight to the finish, and I’m really happy for them, but Marquette will win in one of the greatest NCAA games of all time! Marquette Golden Eagles by 5 platinum albums.

No. 4 Indiana Hoosiers vs. No. 1 Kentucky Wildcats
Who dat say they gon’ beat them Hoosiers? That’s not right … Earlier in the year Indiana pulled off one of the biggest upsets of the season beating Kentucky on a last-second shot. This time around, the Wildcats’ athleticism in the paint will out muscle Indiana’s reliance on the 3-point shot in a hard-fought defensive struggle. Just kidding, I just pulled some of the most overused headlines from the sports pages of The Observer. Indiana Hoosiers, because Indiana grows corn and I like cornbread. Plus, that Kentucky kid’s unibrow is revolting. Get it out.

No. 13 Ohio Bobcats vs. No. 1 North Carolina Tar Heels
Michael Jordan played for the Tar Heels. And he played for the Toon Squad. The Monstars, aka Bobcats, don’t stand a chance, particularly without Mike’s Secret Stuff. My money’s on Bill Murray coming in the second half to lead the Tar Heels to victory. North Carolina Tar Heels by a montage of Michael Jordan dunks.

No. 11 North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. No. 2 Kansas Jayhawks
Go Irish! Beat Wolfpack! SUCK IT, WOLFPACK! Go, Irish, go! At least one of us on staff remembers the chants from her first football game freshman year, and now that Charlie Weis is a Jayhawk I like the chances of their offense putting up a lot of points. Kansas Jayhawks by a Golden Tate touchdown.

No. 10 Xavier Musketeers vs. No. 3 Baylor Bears
Man has had a longstanding conflict with the bear. Despite years of peace talks and deliberation, bears remain ruthless even with their cuddly appearances. In this battle between man and wild, we must side with the Bears. We could hardly imagine a present-day militia being able to take down a pack of grizzlies, let alone these so called “musketeers” from the 1800’s. Baylor Bears by a claw-ful.

Elite 8
No. 4 Indiana Hoosiers vs. No. 3 Baylor Bears
It’s a matchup of the new upstarts versus the traditional powerhouse. Not the teams themselves, of course, but the uniform styles. Indiana plays it classic and simple, with the same maroon and white look they’ve used for decades. It calls back to the good old days of Indiana basketball, when Bob Knight threw that chair at that kid. On the other side, you have Baylor, the flying highlighters. Seriously, the neon yellow needs to go. It’s frightening. Indiana wins, mercifully.

No. 4 Louisville Cardinals vs. No. 3 Marquette Golden Eagles
In a classic matchup of the Catholics versus Rick Pitino, I think God wins. Rumor has it the Louisville players didn’t even give anything up for Lent. Plus, we flipped a coin ten times and it came up for Marquette on six of the ten. Clearly God is on their side. Marquette wins, by 40 days and 40 nights.

No. 1 Syracuse Orange vs. No. 6 Cincinnati Bearcats
It’s a slugfest fit for the MGM Grand, with the hideous bright orange of Syracuse up against an upstart challenger, the black and red camo outfits of Cincinnati. No clear loser there. A bearcat versus the color orange? Sounds like a win for the bearcat, until you realize that a bearcat is really just a glorified possum. Well, our editor’s roommate is from Cincinnati; he’d love it if he’d get some quiet about it for a day or two. Syracuse, because shut up Andrew.

No. 1 North Carolina Tar Heels vs. No. 2 Kansas Jayhawks
What’s a Tar Heel? What’s a Jayhawk? Nobody really knows for certain. But what I do know is the fighting force in Kansas called the Jayhawkers resisted the Southerners who tried to make it a slave state in the pre-Civil War era. Score one for freedom. Kansas by four score and seven.