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Great Pumpkin

Christian Myers | Monday, October 29, 2012

What is Halloween?

Is it a pagan festival to celebrate demonic spirits and deceased ancestors? Is it a release before the solemnity of All Saint’s Day, in the spirit of Mardi Gras? Is it a manufactured holiday created and maintained by Mars, Inc. and other players in ‘Big Candy’?

I think, in the end, we can all agree it’s a celebration centered on a giant, sentient pumpkin flying through the air and bringing toys to children.

Yes, I’m talking about the Great Pumpkin, the magnificent orange squash that appears only once a year to a lucky few.

You may not know about the Great Pumpkin, but that’s only because he doesn’t get the same publicity as a certain jolly Coca-Cola spokesman. Without corporate sponsorship or catchy songs, and with only one profile-raising movie, he has a limited following.

However, the Great Pumpkin’s devotees remain undeterred, even in the face of derision from the spectacular vegetable’s main cynics: beagles and sisters.

In fact, the Great Pumpkin appears to relish his obscurity. He actively avoids large audiences, choosing to rise only out of the single most sincere pumpkin patch and distributing his gifts only among the well-behaved and sincere.

Join me in the pumpkin patch to wait for the Great Pumpkin to arise. Don’t join us if you don’t sincerely believe. Also, it might take all night, but he will definitely show … probably.

Here’s an idea of the festivities:

8 to 9 p.m.: Arrive and make sure to find a comfortable spot.

9 to 11 p.m.: Wait in cheerful anticipation.

11:11 p.m.: Regress to maturity of high school student.

12 a.m.: Separate group by gender.

12 to 12:06 a.m.: Complain about temperature.

12:07 a.m.: “Was that . . . no it was nothing.”

12:08 to 2 a.m.: Wait in increasingly irritable anticipation.

2 to 2:05:55 a.m.: Hum Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody to self.

2:05:55 to 2:30 a.m.: Wonder if the Great Pumpkin has food and or is edible.

2:30 a.m. to 3 a.m.: Wait in increasingly sleepy anticipation.

3:15 to 3:45 a.m.: Collectively discover and subsequently forget answers to all of life’s questions.

4 a.m to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9:15 a.m.: Blend in to equally sluggish, disheveled and previous-night-regretful student body as they go to class.

Finally, it can get chilly out there, so don’t forget to bring your blanket.

Contact Christian Myers at [email protected]

The views expressed in the Inside Column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.