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Hating Halloween

Sara Shoemake | Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I hate to be negative, but it’s the worst time of the year.

Sure, our football team is ranked No. 5 in the nation and there’s an important election coming up, but it’s also time for Halloween.

I’ll just go ahead and say it: Halloween is the worst holiday. I dislike it more than a single girl hates Valentine’s Day, and, trust me, I’ve been there too. It’s not for the “It’s the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut, and no other girls can say anything about it” reason like you might think.
Picture a chubbier, four-year-old version of the headshot at the top of this column. It’s Halloween night. I had no neighborhood friends (I don’t want to talk about it), and my brother, seven years my senior, devoted most of his free time to pretending I didn’t exist. So my dad agreed to watch me from the end of each driveway while I begged neighbors for candy at their doors. Admittedly, I was a shy little kid and the thought of approaching adults without a parent by my side paralyzed me with fear. It also went against everything I had ever been taught: Never talk to strangers, especially those with candy.

And so, as I approached the first house, I threw up on a tree. Ever since, Halloween has left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

It seems like everyone else I know thinks Halloween is the best holiday, citing free candy, costumes and haunted houses. Trick-or-treating obviously hasn’t gone so well for me in the past, I generally associate wigs and masks with a musty and unpleasant smell, and I am the biggest wimp when it comes to scary things. “The Ring” haunts me to this day, and I watched “Paranormal Activity” while reading the Wikipedia plot summary on my phone so I knew what bad things were coming before they happened on screen.

Halloween just seems to embody everything I dislike. If the greeting card industry or whoever is in charge of holidays could somehow incorporate McDonald’s chicken nuggets, One Direction or other things I enjoy, I would probably appreciate the holiday a little bit more. I acknowledge that is a rather selfish notion and I don’t see any of that happening anytime soon, so I’ll go along on that trip to Goodwill for a costume, and I won’t protest when my roommates hang up Halloween decorations in our room.

I would just like everyone to know, while most people count down the days until October 31, I’ve got a countdown going for October 29. That would be the day One Direction’s new single is released because, yes, I’m that girl.