The Observer is a student-run, daily print & online newspaper serving Notre Dame, Saint Mary's & Holy Cross. Learn about us.



All but a job

Sam Stryker | Thursday, January 17, 2013

I consider myself a well rounded person. I get good grades, I make a mean pecan pie and I have a sparkling set of pearly whites. It would seem I have it all in life (in Twitter-speak, I’m #blessed). However, there is one gaping hole in my existence: a job. Whereas most of my friends have their lives lined up after graduation, I still have no clue what I will be doing or where I will end up. Ideally, I would like to eventually host the fourth hour of the “Today Show,” but I realize I may need a backup plan. Here are some potential career paths I believe I am exceptionally well qualified for.
Chapstick model: After my teeth, I would say my favorite body part is my lips, especially my lower lip. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it is Angelina Jolie-esque, but it definitely could hold its own on any Hollywood red carpet. What better way to show off my best physical asset than as a Chapstick model? Fun fact: My favorite flavor of Chapstick is raspberry lemonade.
Cheese taste tester: You know how parents always talk about how they don’t have a favorite kid, but they love their kids in different ways? That’s how I feel about cheese. Mozzarella is like my quiet, reliable child, always making a pizza tasty. Parmesan is spunky, adding some kick to a pasta dish. Goat cheese is flashy and outspoken. I mean, maybe I could even save myself some cash and never have kids and just keep a lot of cheese in my fridge.
Human shark bait – News flash: I love sharks. I have a shark backpack, a shark apron, shark shirt, shark pillow and even shark underwear. Shark Week is my favorite week of the year. While I am terrified of dogs (my friends used to have to put them in their crate before I came over for play dates), I absolutely adore sharks. What better way to make friends with a shark than as human shark bait? No, I wouldn’t actually be eaten. Think of it as me playing a friendly prank on one of my future finned friends.
Castmember on a “Real Housewives” show: I like to gossip. I like white wine (Chardonnay, please). I’m blonde. I talk really loudly. I can flip a table just fine (I’m looking at you, Teresa). I don’t care if the rest of the cast is Beverly Hills born-and-bred, I could definitely hold my own in terms of sass. I think I would fit in perfectly.
So if you’re an employer looking for a Chapstick model, cheese taste tester, human shark bait or a new (and young, male) castmember for a “Real Housewives” show, or any combination of the above, I’m your guy. Until then, I’ll just have to enjoy being funemployed.

Contact Sam Stryker at [email protected]
The views expressed in the Inside Column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.