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Kevin Salat | Paul Mascarenhas

| Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Who they are: Marking the return of a Zahm House tradition, freshmen Kevin Salat and Paul Mascarenhas are the residence hall’s annual contenders, coming in with a total lack of student government experience and a total surplus of confidence in their ability to lead the student body.

Salat reassured the Editorial Board of his ticket’s sincerity.

“We really want to represent the real interests of students and what they really want,” he said.

What students really want, according to Salat and Mascarenhas? Demolishing Mod Quad for more parking, converting Haggar Hall into a workout facility and establishing a study abroad program in Carroll Hall.

First priority: Mascarenhas had a simpler goal for his ticket’s first day in office.

“Getting rid of Scholastic,” he said.

Top priority: The Salat-Mascarenhas ticket hopes to use proceeds from an expansion of Notre Dame Stadium to construct a monorail connecting Notre Dame and Saint Mary’s College.

“Things I’m really passionate about are getting these stadium renovations done so we can raise … $2.5 million a game so we can put into project this monorail system so we can eliminate the walk I had to take yesterday from Saint Mary’s to the [shuttle] and the [shuttle] off and into the building,” Mascarenhas said. “It’ll run right through all the buildings in Saint Mary’s and back to Zahm and Alumni.”

Mascarenhas suggested the monorail run on a high-frequency schedule.

“Like every three seconds,” he said.

Best idea: None

Worst idea: A $3 bus to Club Fever. Already exists. For free.

Most feasible: A shuttle bus to O’Rourke’s “for the underage kids who don’t want to sober up on the long walk there,” according to the ticket’s platform.

Least feasible: The rest of them.

Fun facts: Despite some questionable policies toward our sister school, Salat admits to never having kissed a non-Saint Mary’s student.

Despite some questionable policies toward our sister school, Mascarenhas (claims to) date a Saint Mary’s student.

Memorable quote: “I like penguins and I feel like other people like penguins and would just really want to see penguins.”Salat

Bottom line: While Salat and Mascarenhas are likely to fall short as potential student body leaders, they do not disappoint as comedians. With a substantially more offensive platform than any in recent memory, The Observer is primarily pleased to just have assembled enough content fit for print.