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Jersey disaster

Jack Hefferon | Wednesday, March 6, 2013

It’s been a tough year to be a Notre Dame fan, let me tell you.
We’ve been complaining about our sports teams since nearly their inception, dating back to the days of Knute Rockne – who did way too much of that newfangled forward- passing business.
I don’t even know why we hired that foreigner in the first place – I heard Jebediah Saban and Ezekiel Gruden were both available.
But this year, there just hasn’t been much material to feast on. Our football team went 12-0. Hockey, women’s basketball, men’s lacrosse, men’s soccer and fencing are all top-10 squads, and countless other awards, rankings and titles have rolled in.
It’s disgusting.
As of last week, all we had left was Manti Te’o’s  40-time and the egregious removal of flank steak night from the dining hall – which is another column for another day. Times were desperate.
But then, Adidas unveiled its new designs for Notre Dame basketball uniforms, and I know they were made with us in mind. They’re so easy to hate that there’s no way they were actually trying.
The tops are some kind of soft, radioactive pastel color that resembles mint green – which is really an insult to mints and green things everywhere. The shoulders have some kind of sparkly, fluorescent straps over them that can’t quite decide if they’re wrapping paper or aluminum foil.
And if there weren’t enough green craziness going on, the jerseys are made of 60 percent recycled materials – which, I suppose, explains the wrapping paper/foil. I just feel bad for the Adidas intern who had to dive through a dumpster to get the materials.
The shorts, to their credit, find a way to be even worse. They combine the mint from the jersey top with various other shades of vomit-colored – and vomit-inducing – green to form some kind of zebra-print camouflage (in case the Big East Tournament is moved from Madison Square Garden to the Amazon.)
The socks and shoes carry out the same look, except they then seem like they were attacked by highlighter-wielding kindergarteners.
Sure, Digger Phelps did something similar with his teams in the seventies, but I believe even he wouldn’t ever go for the “Shamrock Shakes” the teams will be wearing next week.
The letters are too small and too high. They might even come with sleeves, which is no way to gain respect on a basketball court. You can bet Ara Parseghian never would have let this happen.
Sorry, I’ve got more, but it’s past my bedtime. So thanks, Adidas, a hater has gotta hate.
If you need me, I’ll be back at NDNation.