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Coffee: The secret to life

Isaac Lorton | Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Well, since no one will look at this column because they will be enamored with whatever drama is to the right of this, I will go ahead and share the secret of life. Those who are observant will benefit greatly from this knowledge. Those who are less observant, well, it’s your loss. (Note: This column will be permanently on the Internet, so if you somehow missed the most momentous advice of your life, you can go look it up on the good ol’ interweb.)  
The secret to life is a good cup of coffee.
For those of you who do not drink coffee or who dislike the taste of coffee, you are already behind in this game of life. God did not grace you with His mercy (otherwise known as coffee).  
It is timeless. It is eternal. And it is the greatest thing ever to come from this earth.
In all mythologies, when the phrase ‘nectar of the gods’ is written, it is an undeniable reference to coffee. What else could keep the gods going 24/7, having to deal with us pesky people?
Coffee founded the United States of America. That is right. In 1675, Charles II banned coffee houses because he thought they were places where people met to conspire against him.
George III should have taken some notes from Chuck, because the Boston Tea Party was not due to a high tea tax; it was due to the lack of coffee. Those Bostonians love their coffee and when Old King George decided to cut them off, they knew what was worth fighting for, so they threw all of the tea into the “hahbah” and demanded coffee. It is a common misconception that Patrick Henry stood up and shouted, “Give me liberty, or give me death!” This actually did not happen; rather, Henry got up and shouted, “Give me my coffee, or I’ll give you death!” Notice the difference?
The French philosopher Voltaire is said to have drunk 50 cups of coffee a day. And do you know what he stood for? He stood for equality, religious tolerance and awesomeness. He is quoted as saying, “Every man is guilty of the good he did not do.” The quote is quite close and the sentiment is nice, but it actually goes, “Every man is guilty of the coffee he did not drink,” in a time when most of the world was not yet coffee-enlightened.  
Theodore Roosevelt drank a gallon of coffee a day. Look at him. He was a rough rider, an explorer, a president and a grizzly-bear wrestler. He was able to do this because he drank the nectar of the gods. He has also been misquoted on occasion. His famous quote actually went something more like this: “Drink coffee and carry a big stick, and you will go far.” Words of wisdom, Teddy.
So there you have it. Drink coffee and live a happy life.  

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    The views expressed in the Inside Column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.