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Daniel Barabasi | Monday, December 2, 2013

Ever since the emergence of some accursed movie about sparkling vampires, we divide movie fandoms into teams. Team Edward versus Team Jacob. Team Harry versus Team Ron. Team Gwen Stacy versus Team Mary Jane Watson. With the arrival of the second installment of the “Hunger Games” trilogy, “Catching Fire,” I’m here to tell you there’s only one team. Team Gale.

All right. The first logical question is who will help Panem more in the long run. Gale is idealistic, and he has the guts and perseverance to back it up. Katniss gives him the chance to run off and live with her forever and ever, but he tells her to screw off, as he’s only leaving when he takes all of District 12 with him (insert, then delete voyeurism joke). What’s Peeta doing in the meantime? Tending to a drunk Haymitch so he can forget that the last time he got any was right after his true love tried to poison him.

Gale is a visionary. He sees the cracks in Panem. When the Peacekeepers begin harassing District 12, he straight up tackles the Head Peacekeeper, then takes the whippings like a man. Then, when fire begins raining from the sky, Gale gets 800 citizens out and feeds them with only his bow until District 13 hovercrafts show up. Screw Katniss and the mockingbird. Gale should be the face of the revolution. 

Let’s face some more facts. Peeta got shoved out of Katniss’s life the moment they got back to the 12th. Gale keeps sneaking off with Katniss into the woods to “hunt game.” Peeta is a living testament to the time Katniss killed children for entertainment. Gale is the throwback to the times before she had to feed a boy to the dogs.

 But but but, you say, Peeta and Katniss share a bond that Gale could never understand. If Katniss gets those PTSD nightmares, Peeta can’t do anything, because he’ll be screaming right next to her. Truly the foundations of a strong relationship, pretty much what my first marriage was based on.  

Being a straight male, I personally cannot make a strong argument about why Gale is more attractive. Thankfully, there’s a professional opinion on this matter from Peter K. Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion.

“Gale is super hot,” Rosenthal said in his highly acclaimed review of “Catching Fire.” “Peeta would be like her cute friend that she could hook up with sometimes, but Gale should totally be her boyfriend.”

The odds are pretty even thus far, only tilting majorly to Gale. Not enough, you say? Fine. To settle the score, we turn to that great text bestowed upon us by Broseidon of the Brocean, Nabrolean, Teddy Broosevelt, and Broce Springsteen for the Brotection of the Bros. 

I am, of course, speaking of the “Bro Code,” which Brotally does not exist (don’t worry bros, it does). Turning to Article 62, we read, “In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs.” Now, any bro could see that Gale had dibs by the mere fact he had met Katniss before Peeta did. 

The punishment for Peeta is described at the end of the Code, as “fines up to $250,000 or, in some cases, permanent dis-Broment.” Now, yes, there is the corollary that a non-willing violation, as in the case of Peeta getting with Katniss in order to survive, the punishment would be less severe, but once the imminent danger is over, Peeta must relinquish his Brotection of Katniss. This is the decision of the Bro-court, and as all rulings, it is final until an amendment is made to the Bro Code. 

If anyone can truly be Team Peeta after all of this, I’m ashamed. There is no Team Peeta; you were deceived. The only way you could be more wrong is if you were Team Finnick. I mean, the guy’s a fish.

Contact Daniel Barabasi at [email protected]
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.