Cold, dumb and boring
Kevin Noonan | Tuesday, February 11, 2014
The Winter Olympics bore me.
They are the sports world’s equivalent of high school black-box theatre compared to the Summer Olympics. Don’t try to tell me they’re as exciting as the Summer Olympics, or the second quarter in your average regular-season NBA game for that matter.
You know how I know they’re not as exciting as the Summer Olympics? They brought in “stars” from the Summer Olympics to shoot little promos where they say things like “Wow, this sport is challenging! How truly unbelievable.” You know how many Winter Olympics stars shot promos to hype up the Summer Olympics? None. And if they did, I didn’t notice, because I don’t know a single Winter Olympics star.
My least favorite mainstream sport is NASCAR ⎯ I assume 90 percent of people are watching the races to see crashes. Cool, fine, whatever, but it’s not for me. Compare that with the Winter Olympics, where 90 percent of the sports are only interesting when people crash.
“Figure skating, how can you not like figure skating?” they ask, as I roll back over on the couch and go back to my nap. I don’t like figure skating because everything looks the same to me, every jump and turn or whatever. The only interesting thing is when they fall. I take that back — the only interesting thing is when one of them conspires to have another beaten with a pipe.
The biathlon seems fun, if you wanted to learn how to shoot someone and then get caught immediately. It’s tough enough watching marathons in the Summer Olympics, but cross-country skiing is like watching people run marathons in ankle weights through two feet of water.
Oh hockey, how could I forget about hockey? The miracle on ice! 1980! We beat the commies! Setting aside the fact that hockey isn’t really my cup of tea in the first place, and the fact that Olympic hockey eliminates the fun parts like physicality and punching each other in the face, Olympic hockey has exactly one memorable moment, like, ever. I’ll go watch “Miracle” again and get my fill.
The drama! The pageantry! The pride and the passion!
Don’t care. You want drama go see a play. Support your local arts. Or don’t, doesn’t matter to me.
But surely, you must respect the unbelievable athletic ability of these Olympians? It’s not like you could do a triple twirl leg touch into a 12-gun salute off the ski jump, through a pit of fire and into a pit of alligators! No, I couldn’t. But if you asked me to show love for everything I couldn’t do, I’d be spending a lot of time loving kindergartners for being able to color inside the lines, and that just sounds weird doesn’t it.
Look, I don’t care if you like the Winter Olympics. Good for you. You’re simpleminded, but I’m happy for you. Just don’t ask me to care.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.