5 Star Review: Piñatas
John Darr | Thursday, September 18, 2014
Each week I’ll be granting a five-star review to an underrated or overlooked piece of art, music, film or anything else you can imagine. This week, we investigate one of the greatest inventions of all time, chosen by Saint Mary’s sophomore Maddy Danz, one of our very own cultural experts.
The human nature is dark and deep. A primal violence wrestles against love of stability and security. Why else would we watch action movies and play combat games, with guns and death and threat of harm, to relax? Why else would we destroy our friends’ basketball trophies, should our friends offer them up, in order to turn our anger into calm? Our animal spirits thirst for destruction in a world where our hunter and survivor instincts lie dormant. We, like Miley Cyrus, cannot be tamed.
So how do we make the balance in modern society? Do we need to turn to criminal behavior or hunt with our bare hands in order to satisfy our elemental urges? In the olden days, perhaps it was so. But since then, technology has led us to the pinnacle of primal equilibrium. Behold, my fellow University students, the piñata: one of the very greatest inventions of all time.
When one first comes in contact with a piñata, one discovers his or her greatest inner desire: to smack that like Akon did back in ’06. It’s a deceptively sturdy cardboard beast, taunting the kindergartener and nursing home inhabitant alike with its stare-contest-winning painted eyes. It hangs both gracefully and morbidly, revealing its present wholeness and future destruction. It is the perfect challenge: as easily destroyed as the Michigan football squad and just as satisfying.
The journey to the piñata’s destruction is fast and furious; the experience is sure to convince any user that a sequel or six is necessary. In this case, however, the journey is not greater than the destination. The explosion of the piñata grants the breaker a God-like feeling of control; the explosion, representing the apocalypse, paired with the fall of contents, representing weather, fulfills the dreams of any bat-slinging smacker.
Finally, the piñata presents its destroyer with a reward and a gift: its content. The limit on what can go in a piñata is equal to the limit of 1/x as x approaches zero from the right. Though the standard item for piñata use is candy, popular options for it range from expensive glass vases to coke cans. “Will it Piñata?” has become an overnight success on YouTube for a very good reason, and not just because it’s hosted by Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
As an extremely effective vessel for the release of primal energy and a very temporary storage container, the piñata solves the vast majority of the world’s problems at the cheap cost of free with some jail time. No matter if bought as a gift, as a journey or as a destination, the piñata could theoretically save you 25% percent or more on car insurance. No room in the fridge? Don’t worry! The piñata does not need to be refrigerated. In addition, homes with piñatas are significantly more likely to have piñatas in them than homes without piñatas. Ultimately, you can have your piñata and have it too.
After a close and careful analysis, I can easily give piñatas a five star rating. It’s a combination of wrapping paper and punching bag that can only be used one time, and it doesn’t require refrigeration. As our cultural expert, Maddy Danz, once said, “Who wouldn’t want to use a baseball bat to smack something and get candy out of it?” So what are you waiting for? Go buy, break and throw away your piñata today!