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Sports Authority

Hadley: Burn book for the Ryder Cup

| Thursday, September 25, 2014

If you happened to look at ESPN or Sports Illustrated recently, you might have noticed that the Ryder Cup began Tuesday.

For everyone but the enthusiast, that’s the biennial golf tournament between the best the U.S. has to offer and Europe’s finest, with pride and a giant trophy on the line.

Unfortunately, this year, many of the 24 players that make up both teams are relative unknowns in the sporting world. This makes it hard to cheer wildly for national pride, mostly because you have no idea just who you are cheering for.

But fear not. I am here to provide you with all you need to know. What’s more, I can speak in a language anyone can understand. Allow me to present, for your entertainment and education: players in the Ryder Cup if they were characters in “Mean Girls.”

Phil Mickelson is Cady Heron

Phil Mickelson is easy to root for, just like a home-schooled, lonely Cady Heron. He struggles in the Ryder Cup, just like Cady struggles to defeat Regina. He has his limits, just like Cady. When he was asked just before the tourney if the U.S. team had any issues getting along, he took the opportunity to poke fun at Rory McIlroy and Graeme McDowell of the European squad, who are currently involved in a legal battle. If that isn’t turning an army against itself in the most Cady Heron-esque way possible, what is?

Rory McIlroy is Regina George

If only one person on the PGA did car commercials in Japan, it would be Rory McIlroy. You just know his hair’s been insured for $10,000. With an absolutely outstanding 2014 under his belt — including victories at the Open and PGA Championships in which he personally victimized the field — Rory would love to be Spring Fling Queen and win that Ryder Cup once again.

Rickie Fowler is Aaron Samuels

Just 25 years old, Fowler earns the distinction of being one of the few golfers in the Cup to whom “Mean Girls” might be culturally relevant. As an added bonus, he’s got a great head of hair, so you know he’ll look good with it pushed back. Unfortunately, the Cup ends before Oct. 3.

Bubba Watson is Karen Smith

Watson is one of the more colorful personalities in golf, and he has probably never made out with his cousin. But that doesn’t mean he and Karen don’t share any interests. Karen might only wear pink on Wednesdays, but Bubba will use his trademark pink driver all Ryder Cup long.

Hunter Mahan is Gretchen Weiners

Gretchen is a classic follower who just wants to be appreciated. She doesn’t want to be the star, but she will not switch positions in the “Jingle Bell Rock” performance. Hunter Mahan is part of a PGA boy band that includes bigger stars like Bubba Watson and Rickie Fowler. You can bet Mahan is looking to get closer to the top in this Cup.

Sergio Garcia is Janis Ian

Garcia is one of the least popular golfers in America. He’s standoffish, whiny and has engaged in a heated feud with golf’s former Regina George, Tiger Woods. Janis has her moments to be sure, but she’s nothing if not combative. Something tells me these two would love to get together and bash on their least favorite people.

Ian Poulter is Damian

There is almost undoubtedly no golfer in the Cup that owns a purple tuxedo and a pink shirt — except for Poulter. The man has sported some of the most legendary pants in Tour history, including a pair of Union Jack trousers that put even Rickie Fowler’s burnt orange ones to shame. I also heard he’s a big Danny DeVito fan.

Tom Watson is Ms. Norbury

The U.S. team captain will not actually play in the Cup, but make no mistake — he is vital to America’s chances. Much like a certain mathlete coach, he has to manage a group of volatile personalities in the hopes of pulling off a massive upset.

Stephen Gallacher is Glenn Coco

You go, Stephen Gallacher. You go.

Oh and then there’s Tiger Woods. He doesn’t even go here.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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About Greg Hadley

Greg Hadley is a senior from Rockville, Maryland, majoring in political science with a minor in Journalism, Ethics and Democracy. He served as The Observer's Editor-in-Chief for the 2015-2016 term and currently covers Notre Dame baseball and women's basketball.

Contact Greg