If you asked me, I’d say South is the better dining hall. But wait — aren’t I trying to convince you that North is wonderful? No. I want you to like South because then I get North all to myself. Insert evil laugh here.
Us kids on North Quad don’t mind when South boasts about its Harry Potter aura and sliced apples, for we know it’s all a ploy to trick the freshmen into trekking to South.
See, when I first got to campus, I remember the upperclassmen gushing about South. Little did I know, they just wanted me to go there so there would be a shorter line for the steamed carrots at North.
Now that I am a seasoned sophomore, I have been let in on the secret: North is better. The one rule? Don’t let everyone else know.
We keep our plastic cups in short supply so that other students get annoyed and go to South. We frustrate the newbies by making sure at least two drink machines are always out of order. We find out when the southerners are crossing the border so that the make-your-own-pizza station is cancelled that night. They never return.
But wait — don’t the AWOL cups and dysfunctional machines annoy us too? No, no, my friend. It is these very problems that make North superior in every way.
There are not enough cups in the dining hall for a reason: A Notre Dame education would not be complete if students did not know how to locate and allocate scarce resources.
How would we learn to share a limited number of goods unless we are forced to ration cups? How will we deal with a shortage of clean water if we do not know how to find obscure sources of potable water, i.e. water machines that actually work?
So what if you can't find food you love? It will teach you to be creative. Contentment leads to complacency. Hardship leads to innovation.
We are independent and innovative thinkers at North. We slice our own apples.
Above and beyond all these details, North is and always has been better than South. Why? The word North is in the title, and North is always above South. Allow me to present my supporting evidence:
Santa Clause is from the North, and angry elves are from the South. I wouldn’t wear a Southface jacket or gaze at the South star. And given a choice between North and South Korea … Oh wait, I mixed those up.
That’s okay, though, for I want to get you all mixed up. If you take away anything from this debate, it should be that South is better. Repeat it to yourself so you won’t forget.
Tomorrow, eat at South. You will regret it, but I won’t.
