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How to look calm

| Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The other day I tripped up the steps right in front of someone and casually brushed it off, saying: “Unfortunately, this is just how my life is going. Sorry you had to see that.”

We shared a laugh, and the encounter inspired me to share with you some ways to disguise the effects a crazy week has on your presentability, health and sanity.

1) Drink cold-pressed juice (extra points if it’s green). Raw, organic, gluten-free — wait, are you Gwyneth Paltrow?

Cleansing juices will clean your cluttered life right up. For example, I came to the unfortunate realization the other day that I had eaten only cheese-based products for a 24-hour period. I had 3 a.m. queso after the Huddle lacked “microwaveable burritos” (Dear cashier, these do exist. I’ve bought them at Trader Joe’s — a reputable grocery store where you can buy fancy juice and prove your life is still together although you have a microwavable burrito in your cart), 1 p.m. cheese sticks on the way to class, 7 p.m. microwavable mac and cheese and, to top it all off, a 3 a.m. Taco Bell Quesarito. However, my Synergy juice helped me ward off the high cholesterol and anyone who might protest that my life is not chronicled on GOOP.

2) Read things with tangible appearances (books, newspapers, magazines — besides the subscription your mom got you to US Weekly) in-between BuzzFeed, tweets, fan fiction or whatever online words you peruse.

For one, the physical appearance of reading material leaves no question as to what you are doing — getting recognition for your casual indulgence into literature over Netflix. Also, stay informed. I may have 11,589 unread emails on my phone, but I am up to date on the New York Times — at least I read two articles per day. I know, it’s not the whole paper, but if I had time for that would I really have 11,589 unread emails?

3) Do yoga. Nothing balances your life better than actual balancing — until you mistakenly try a headstand. Yoga is a great alternative to running that doesn’t require an immediate shower, makes you feel productive and is more conducive to the morning after you dressed up as “a periodic table dancer” for Halloween, but got a little carried away and were more like “a perpetual table dancer that now has a swollen right knee.”

4) Drink tea. It literally says things like “Calm,” “Restore,” “Get an A on your exam and never get a pimple again” on the packaging. The packaging will also advertise things like, “A balanced swirl of rich pumpkin and flavors of caramel, toffee, butterscotch and creamy vanilla” — don’t fall for this. Leaves and water will not get you what sounds like a trip to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory, and you will end up disappointed with the diluted taste of what could have been and a hint of cinnamon.

Even if tea leaves your taste buds less than satisfied, it will still make you feel sophisticated and those around will notice that. You drink tea with a purpose: to better your health, socialize in foreign lands or to justify why you’re awake at 4:30 a.m. No, you did not take a “20 minute” nap at 11 p.m. and not wake up until 2 a.m. to have to continue studying. You just wanted to get up and drink some tea while you wait for the sun to rise with your accounting book on your lap — and then you might follow it up by reading the paper, doing some yoga and drinking juice that comes from something more organic than a Capri Sun pouch.

Contact Erin McAuliffe at [email protected]

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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About Erin McAuliffe

I'm Scene's editor and a senior Marketing & Journalism student. To quote the exquisite Sadie Dupuis, "I'm not bossy — I'm the boss."

Contact Erin