What to wear: finals and festivities
Erin McAuliffe | Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Finals are coming (don’t shoot the messenger) and so are holiday parties (again, don’t shoot the messenger), which means you are going to have to get dressed for things you don’t want to go to sometime soon.
If you are one of those people who lives in a booth at Club Hes for finals week, and leaves Oreo crumbs, a blanket and your dignity heaped in a pile as you go to an exam or hopefully to clean yourself up — but more likely to get more Oreos — read on.
If you show up to an exam with greasy hair, a groutfit and an overall grimy aura everyone around you can sense — you’ve already failed.
Don’t give me any of that “but I’m comfortable” or “I used dry shampoo and deodorant” nonsense.
Yeah, I’m talking to you girl in the Lululemon outfit in the library that tricked me into thinking you had just come from a run. Upon closer look, your hair was just so greasy it looked sweaty and your outfit was merely for comfort not sports.
As it takes you no longer to put on jeans than it does sweatpants, you will not lose any time memorizing organic molecules with.
Yeah, I get that sweatpants are comfortable which makes them great for bed and dorm room studying, but at least put on some normcore approved heathered joggers to get to class.
So, you’re final-ly done and all you want to do is sit on your couch at home with a brand new box of Oreos and that blanket from the library.
But alas, your Aunt Shelly calls and after bidding you “Season’s Greetings,” invites your family to a Christmas party. Your mom takes one look at your now stained normcore joggers and passive aggressively hassles you to feign togetherness for the family: it’s time to step your game up.
You run up to your suitcase and sort through your dress options, which unfortunately are all more Feve than festive. Your mom yells up the steps that the party is “an ugly Christmas sweater thing” at which you rejoice and cringe.
Sure, now you won’t be forced to wear anything bodycon to see Uncle Don, but you do have to get to Goodwill where unfortunately all the ugliest/best Christmas sweaters will already have been snatched up.
If this happens, DO NOT go to Forever21 or Target or wherever else they sell new “ugly” sweaters. Your ugly sweater must have already been worn by another human to have any relevance at all. You are a poser if your snowman embellished cardigan had a price tag over four dollars. Macklemore will steal all your Christmas presents for playing thrift shops — also, if your family plays “Thrift Shop” at this gathering you have permission to feel ill and leave.
So, you leave Goodwill having felt no goodwill, as the only sweater left was snagged by a giggling tween before you could get to it.
You now have three options 1) go for the next best thing — the denim embroidered velvet-collared Christmas button-up 2) whip up that tree sweater DIY you saw on pinterest — it will be so easy and only require a trip to the craft store, the fabric store and insanity 3) call up your grandma to bring an extra festive sweater to the party for you.
So Grandma Dee came to the rescue in your time of need, but now you have another party to attend that Grandma Dee’s duds won’t be able to cover — New Year’s Eve.
New Year’s Eve is all about the bling. It’s like everyone is trying to show up the Swavorski crystal New Year’s Ball — which is not that hard to do considering it is the most over-hyped event of the year and watching some friend inevitably fall down will be a more entertaining drop.
Anyway, channel your inner Kelis at the party: “diamonds on your neck, d-diamonds on your grill.” To stick to your college student budget grab some tinsel off the tree or get some paste (fake bling) to add sparkle to your ensemble.
Get ready to make a New Year’s Resolutions to delete the groutfit from your wardrobe when you get back to school.