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The couples of dorm dances

| Thursday, January 29, 2015


It’s a pretty big topic around campus. And given that Notre Dame apparently thinks it is diverse enough to have classes on Martin Luther King Day, we must be a pretty diverse group. And so, of course, there are many great things about the unmatched diversity of this vaunted melting pot of Irish Catholicism. And among this diversity is that diversity which is easily observable on only a select few nights throughout the school year. I’m referring to the various couples who appear at dorm dances. What follows is a group sure to be present at your next dorm function.

Practically Married: Attending their 19th dance as a couple, these two long-time lovebirds have settled nicely into a calmer lifestyle as they watch from afar the energetic clump of fellow students in the middle of the dance floor. Noting the occasion as a “nice evening,” they’ll explain it pales in comparison to prom, which, they’ll remind you, is when they knew they were “meant to be.” They depart the dance early for a night of hot chocolate and Netflix, but not before reminding their friends to have fun and be responsible. Thanks, mom!

Power (Hour) Couple: Learning the tough lesson that not all fifths are friends, this couple tried to keep the Feve train rolling right through Friday. Despite a courageous battle against the undefeated forces of alcohol, they eventually succumb to their imbibing. Spotted dawdling wobbly to the dance from their dorm, they’re intercepted by hall staff for the return trip back to their respective beds.

The Elaborate Costumes: This couple is slowly learning that despite their investment in an elaborate costume, dances are not always the best place for artistic expression. Either they’re costumes are shredded by the sweaty, body-bumping masses of the clump, or they simply discover that it’s insanely difficult to dance while dressed as a giant cereal box.

Social Media Couple: You’re pretty sure they’re only here to see how many upvotes, likes and favorites their assorted documentation of the evening will bring in. You can see them skirting the sides of the room with their cameras, and getting far too close to That Couple in pursuit of the perfect Campus Story Snapchat of their friends making out in the corner.

The Seniors: Despite attending out of nostalgia for simpler, more innocent times of days gone past, the surrounding sweaty crowd quickly drives them to the edge of the crowd. Texts are quickly sent to any who will listen as they seek a group to head to Finny’s with.

The Prisoners: These two were dragged kicking and screaming by their friends, who set them up. Their friends promised it would be fun. Their friends lied. They now sit commiserating about the fact that they’re stuck together for the night over a brownie or four at the dessert table, where they’re joined by the guy whose date ran off like Forrest Gump from a group of rowdy bullies.

Holy Spirit Couple: Straight off four years at their single-sex Catholic high school, they’re ready to break out the swing dance moves they learned during Sunday school socials. They quickly stop in their tracks as their eyes see the frothing mass of carnal sin known as the dance floor. They starting doing the mental math on how many candles at the grotto it’s going to take to cleanse this abomination from their record.

The Couple-No-Longer: Despite thinking that maybe a night out would help them through their rough patch, their relationship awkwardly comes to a close with an emotionally heated argument beneath the din of “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” which the social media couple will document nicely and later post with #awkward. The broken hearts will go their separate ways as one is brought back to the dorm with her friends while the other makes a beeline to Taco Bell.

That Couple: Beginning the night with inexplicable, offbeat grinding to ‘Jesus Take the Wheel,’ the couple proceeds to a game of tonsil hockey, scoring more than any hockey game these eyes have seen. To the chagrin of whoever made the Campus Ministry t-shirts, room for the Holy Spirit is lacking.

Tinder Couple: The 21st century’s version of Romeo and Juliet, they swiped each other’s heart only a couple days ago. They tear up the dance floor, putting “Dirty Dancing” to shame. They’ll spend hours at Reckers post-dance in flirtatious conversation as they discuss how to tell their future grandchildren about how they met. Alternatively, the night ends with unfortunate bladder control issues, a NDSP car and a story for the ages. It’s a 50/50.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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