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Valentine’s Day by major

| Thursday, February 12, 2015

Valentine’s Day.

Oh, yay.

Yet again it is upon us, Notre Dame. Yet another night of sky-high expectations and North-Korean-rocket-launch-like failures; a night that promises “Love Actually” and delivers “Romeo and Juliet.” And so, as you set out on Thursday in pursuit of being in that 1 percent of Disney fairytales, here’s a little look at how the rest of us 99 percent will be faring come Saturday, major by major.

Electrical Engineering: Despite claims of an undeniable spark between the two, not even his overt professing of love can topple the date’s resistance to their future together. The love letter with all the romanticism you’d expect from an engineer with a tenuous grasp on English didn’t help, either.

Economics: In what observers will later refer to as a “Full Havana,” has romantic advances wholly embargoed by potential date.

Music: Recovering from last year’s “Scotty Doesn’t Know” fiasco, wins over date with serenade. Because seriously, if there’s one thing Frosh-O taught me, it’s that serenades never fail. It turns out, however, that it’s a wee bit more awkward when it’s just you singing a classic like Justin Bieber’s “Baby” rather than 80 sweaty freshmen.

Film, Television and Theater: Decides to stick to what’s comfortable and opts for dinner and a movie. Turns out that “50 Shades of Grey” is anything but comfortable.

Theology: Was the FTT major’s date. Makes it through movie before making a beeline to finally jumping to the seminary.

Pre-Med: Spends evening complaining about how their classes are “so much tougher” than everyone else’s. Date realizes why some people turn to drugs.

Education: This was going to be a “future high school health teacher/hands-on learner” joke, but then I remembered my mom reads my column.

Finance: Realizing her date is a troubled asset, attempts hostile takeover of AAA-rated guy at the next table over.

Russian: “I fell for you harder than the ruble,” wins over Moscow exchange student.

International Economics: Swept off feet by accent-toting exchange student. There’s a “stimulate the economy” joke here somewhere. I’ll let you find it.

Masters in Business Administration: Takes date for a walk down memory lane to undergrad Valentine’s Days. Enjoys dinner at NDH followed by a dorm party, complete with a chat with the rector the next morning about parietals.

Mechanical Engineering: Drinks too much wine to celebrate seeing a woman. Experiences mechanical failure later that night.

Law: Files a motion for a candle-lit dinner. Prospective date files for an injunction.

Arabic: Sweet talks prospective date with ancient poem. College Republicans call Homeland Security.

Applied Math: It turns out that math doesn’t really apply to love.

Aerospace Engineering: Guys spend Valentine’s Day wondering why they’re in a major where only five out of the 30 students are girls, while the girls question how they’re single. Love, apparently, is not rocket science.

Irish Studies: Inadvertently gets a jumpstart on the next generation of their big Irish-Catholic family.

Journalism: Takes a page out of Brian Williams’ book and impresses date with incredible stories that didn’t actually happen. Plan predictably backfires, resulting in a full suspension with “no benefits.”

Biology: Asks girl to study anatomy with him on Saturday night. Date frustrated he actually meant study.

Chemistry: Love potion accidentally used by roommate as a chaser. Roommate then insists on third-wheeling to dinner.

Entrepreneurship: Tries to create relationship consulting start-up. Venture capital firms balk, noting “hip-hop night” doesn’t qualify as institutional expertise.

Philosophy: “What is love?” is left unanswered for yet another year.

English: Turns out that “May I compare thee to a night at Feve?” is a shockingly successful pickup line.

Chinese: In the most disastrous move for Sino-American relations since MacArthur pushed towards the Yalu, takes Beijing native to Golden Dragon, becoming the first ever sit-in customers of Golden Dragon.

Gender Studies: Feels like traitor to the major after resorting to Tinder for date, bowing once more to the patriarchy of society.

Nursing: Significantly less interested in date upon date’s mention of philosophy thesis as nursing major calculates dismal earnings potential.

Anthropology: Too busy analyzing the historical roots of human comedy at the Revue to notice date escaping with shirtless Keenan performers.

Medieval Studies: Advertises major outside of South Bend theater, hoping to convince FTT majors and fellow “50 Shades of Grey” viewers to cling to the days of the medieval role of women. Sets up next to the Indiana GOP table, which happens to be advocating the same.

Notre Dame Administrator: Lands date with coworker in Registrar’s Office after telling hilarious joke about how parietals is just about building community.

Marketing: In pursuit of a date, tries out some of the new online marketing strategies she’s read about. Starts regretting it once South Bend’s most eligible 50-year-old bachelors respond to her ad on Craigslist.

Air Force ROTC: Date goes to the bathroom before pulling an Amelia Earhart and never returning.

Political Science: Gets real excited for first Valentine’s Day with significant other, then gets dumped the night before after declaring “pro-land mine” views. Spends 22nd consecutive Valentine’s Day single.

Matt Miklavic is a senior finance and political science major from Cape Elizabeth, Maine. He’s been pushing the boundaries of good taste since seventh grade. He can be reached at [email protected]

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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