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Bachelor in Paradise: Who’s hot and who’s not

| Friday, September 9, 2016

bachelor3_bannerJOSEPH HAN | The Observer

As the flow of free alcohol and Ashley I.’s tears trickled to a halt, season three of “Bachelor in Paradise” leaves in its wake a number of reality show stars in varying positions of hotness — and notness. Some things are certain: Daniel is the funniest man to ever grace the Bachelor franchise, Wells set a record for consecutive date cards received by a “Paradise” contestant and Chad managed to do more free advertising for Sarah’s charity for those with physical disabilities (SheLift) than she could ever buy. Whereas three couples may have technically “won” “Bachelor in Paradise” by getting engaged over a three-week timespan, I’m here to pull back the curtain and show you who ended up Grace-ful and who ended up Lace’ted.


So Nick is the new Bachelor, which makes his run on this season of “Bachelor in Paradise” an automatic net positive. Sure, he may have had his woman stolen away by Mr. Pizza-Your-Girl, and he might have broken down crying when he couldn’t justify proposing to his girlfriend of 10 days on national television, but Bachelor Nation went from hating Nick to loving Nick over the course of the season and now he has a much wider selection of beautiful women to draw from. Also, it seems like Nick Viall made friends with almost everyone on the show, and by now, I’m sure he knows how to thrive in the friend zone.


Look, I want to love Carly. She’s candid and bold and says what nobody else will. Unfortunately for her, she trashed her fiancé repeatedly on television. I’m sure it was hard enough to explain “our first kiss was so awful that I threw up” to Evan … how on earth are you going to explain that to his kids? Have fun being the evil stepmother, Carly. You’ve earned it.


I know I’ll get flak for this one, but hear me out. Nobody likes Josh Murray. Except, of course, the people who matter. Josh exits stage right with one of the most beautiful, kindest women in paradise, some $5,000 worth of pizza and enough inspirational quotes to start his very own self-help lecture circuit. As for the (Dorfman-substantiated) rumors that Josh’s Herculean facade hides an emotional abuser? “Bachelor in Paradise” is gleefully fake and if you want to talk about emotional abuse, look at the show’s treatment of Ashley Iaconetti. Josh Murray is “Bachelor in Paradise.” In the words of another reality show legend: deal with it.


Jen’s hotness cannot be overstated. Easily the most down-to-earth participant on this season of “Bachelor in Paradise” and, in this reviewer’s humble opinion, the most attractive, Jen came out of her unfortunate non-engagement to Nick looking like a goddess. Whereas Caila repeatedly drew attention for appearing ‘too perfect’ and therefore fake, Jen actually pulled off an immaculate performance by acting like a kind but normal person in a supermodel’s body. With zero gossip about other contestants and a shortage of over-dramatic romantic breakdowns, Jen left Paradise with grace and I wouldn’t be surprised to see her back on the show very soon — even possibly as the next Bachelorette.


Dating a guy with self-respect really does bite you in the ass sometimes. Izzy’s impulsive, unaware decision-making not only lost her a relationship with perhaps the most well-liked man in Paradise (Vinny Ventiera, who now looks like he’s partying all sorts of hard as a successful DJ on his Insta), but also the love of the entire Bachelor community who has moved her from the category of amusing side character to female Judas. It doesn’t help that she called Vinny right after she got dumped to say she wanted him back and got served harder than one of Jorge’s margaritas. Izzy’s uphill battle might be harder than Chad’s — and the directors are probably less likely to give her one.


Chad, notorious Bachelor roid-rager and bad boy, is still entertaining. He is a loose cannon and a loose cannon makes for great television. I don’t buy that he’ll never be on the Bachelor franchise again (his presence was a huge selling point this season and it could be a huge selling point again), but it certainly seems less likely now than it did before he called Sarah a “one-armed b—-” on air. His reputation is trashed, he seems to have a drinking problem and his Bachelor best buddy Daniel has soared in popularity, which would probably make Chad jealous (though he’d never admit it) if they did end up back in Paradise together. You always said you never cared about what other people thought of you, Chad — let’s see how that works out for you now.

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