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Football Playoff-Hopes: Sept. 4, 2016 – Sept. 17, 2016

| Friday, September 23, 2016

Football Playoff-Hopes passed away Saturday in South Bend after a hard-fought battle with VanGordric disease. He was just three games old.

The son of overly-optimistic sports writers and unrealistic fan expectations, Playoff-Hopes is survived by siblings Men’s Basketball Playoff-Hopes and Women’s Basketball Playoff-Hopes, to whom disgruntled students and alumni now graft their championship aspirations.

Playoff-Hopes was born Sept. 4 in South Bend before his family moved to Austin, Texas. Forced to grow up quickly, Playoff-Hopes experienced a concerning youth in Austin, having trouble adjusting to the heat while also trying to split time at both the Kizer and Zaire households, due to a undetermined custody agreement.

Playoff-Hopes’ medical problems continued into adulthood, as his immune system proved unable to defend itself against deep threats and the running game alike.

Consequently, Playoff-Hopes moved back to South Bend where he enjoyed a brief period of health and prosperity. Having watched Playoff-Hopes easily dispatch the common Wolf Pack cold, those closest to him believed he had put his ailments behind him.

Friends and family of Playoff-Hopes attest that optimism surrounding his health was high as he looked to start treatment for his recurring VanGordric disease.

However, tragedy struck Saturday as systems gave out at approximately 10:25 p.m. local time.

Doctors attempted to save Playoff-Hopes by calling in expert surgeon DeShone Kizer; Ultimately, Kizer was unable to save Playoff-Hopes.

Doctors said they were surprised by Playoff-Hopes’ deteriorated health, as his siblings seem to not have similar immune deficiencies. Doctors did point out, however, that Playoff-Hopes’ stepfather, Charlie Weis, had similar immunodeficiency concerns, and postulated the lingering alimony payments sent to Weis may have exposed Playoff-Hopes to viruses he was unable to beat.

Friends and family of Playoff-Hopes’ revealed his dream of making it to the College Football Playoff and reliving the glory of his ancestors by winning the national championship.

Those close to him said he was a happy-go-lucky type of guy, always looking at the bright side of life even while the odds of national championship crumbled around him

“I think the important thing about Playoff-Hopes is that he really tried his best,” disappointed alumnus No. 364 said. “Because that’s really all he had going for him, especially with a disease as vicious as VanGordric”

“The thing I most respected about Playoff-Hopes was that he always made me feel something,” [email protected] said. “Granted, most of that feeling was me yelling at the television and thus alienating my family, but at least I felt something.”

“It’s just sad to see him go so soon,” Playoff-Hopes’ father, Football Playoff-Hopes Sr., said. “I mean, September hasn’t even ended. … My VanGordric’s didn’t flare up until the end of November, but I guess it was just his time to go.”

“I think he’s got a really good chance of making it through,” the always passionate Lou Holtz, former Notre Dame football coach, said after receiving the unfortunate news. “This is just a temporary setback.”

During his lifetime, Playoff-Hopes lived in Austin and South Bend, where he was a practicing member of the Catholic Church.

He will be especially remembered for increasing the number of angry messages on comment boards and family group chats by more than 9,000 percent.

The service for Playoff-Hopes will be announced in due course, but will likely take place in late December somewhere warm, perhaps at the TaxSlayer Bowl in Jacksonville, Florida.

Charitable donations in his memory may be made out to the Knute Rockne School for Kids Who Can’t Play Football Good and Want to Learn to Do Other Things Good, Too.

“At my first defense no one supported me, but all deserted me; may it not be counted against them” (2 Timothy 4:16).

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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