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All the dorm mascots get in a fight. Who wins?

| Thursday, October 26, 2017

At some point in the far future, dorms have decided to send their mascot to fight in a battle royale to determine which symbol will reign victorious. Each stare each other down, the Flaherty Bear eyeing the Highlander in front of it, the ferocious Lyons Lion wanting to make quick work of the small and feeble Howard Duck as they prepare for their fight. They all charge each other with the intensity that only comes with dorm rivalries to start this fight to the death.

The humans present in this fight try to gang up on each other first while the animals on the other side use their survival instincts and immediately try to fight or run from one another. The St. Edward’s Gentleman takes off his boat shoes so they don’t get dirty, but unfortunately this short time delay allows for the Keenan Knight to impale him without resistance. Meanwhile the Dunne Sentinel has a clear victory in front of him with the Duncan Highlander and his inferior battle tactics. While it may seem simple at first, the Highlander cleverly domesticates the Alumni Dawg who, together, take down the watchmen from Dunne. Now his watch has ended. While this battle of warriors continues, the Manorite, representing a random member of Morrissey, decides to slaughter the Breen-Phillips Babe as an easy kill. Knowing he will be in for a long fight, he roasts and eats the pig quickly to gather strength. BP gets the last laugh however, since high pork diets lead to heart disease and the Manorite succumbs to this all too common illness.

On the animal side, the Weasels, Chicks, Ducks, Bullfrogs and Wildcats all try to evade the Lyons Lion who seems to be toying around with her easy prey. She makes quick work with the Badin Bullfrog and Howard Duck who really stood no chance to begin with. Seeing an apex predator nearby, the Flaherty Bear tries to prove her dominance and the two wrestle until both near the point of death. In a shocking turn of events, the Lewis Chick comes by and pecks each animal’s face finishing the job neither predator could.

As the Keenan Knight engages the Walsh Wild Woman, the Siegfried Rambler gives a long soliloquy about a topic no one cares about. Probably about sports or something. Before he bores the others to death, the O’Neill Angry Mob approaches the battlefield with numbers to spare. This murderous mob mentality causes the Keenan Knight, Walsh Wild Woman, and Duncan Highlander (with pet Dawg) to be slain. Somehow the Rambler survives due to the competitive nature with any competition Siegfried has.

Since I don’t know what Knott’s mascot is nor do I care to look it up since I bet it’s lame, we’re just going to call them the orange hats. You may think it’s hard to “kill” a hat but that is where you are wrong. The Pasquerilla East Pyro lights this sucker on fire and throws it right at the Lewis Chick to make some BBQ chicken. At this point, there is a standstill in fighting between the ferocious Ryan Wildcat and the powerful Zahm Moose, as well as between the evasive Pasquerilla West Purple Weasel and the cute yet clever Sorin Otter. Don’t question how these ties will be broken because here comes a Fisher Green Wave. This shamrock shake of a natural disaster event wipes out every creature standing on the ground including the Angry Mob, the single Rambler, the deranged Pyro, the calculating yet Wild Woman, the Purple Weasel, the Wildcat and the Moose. Only the aquatic Otter and the flying mythical creature, the Stanford Griffin survive.

Wait, how is the McGlinn Shamrock still alive? Well the battlefield is made up of these tiny plants so finding the specific McGlinn one is difficult and I also forgot about them halfway while writing this article (some could say this is indicative of their dorm). No worries, I took the broad definition of Vermin as any sort of parasite that kills crops so Carroll comes by storm to take out the entirety of Shamrocks in the battle field. Soon after the Vermin take out the lowly crop, the Green Wave evaporates due to exaggerated global warming in this future scenario.

How do you kill a concept? The Farley Finest and Dillon Big Red try to settle this debate by fighting not in this material world but in Plato’s world of forms. Dillon grows stronger in this fight while blood on the battlefield is spilled making their Big Red … errr … bigger I guess. The Finest won’t back down but since all human mascots have at this point perished, there is no one left to contemplate this idea of being fine. The large color remains, although this battle scene is a tad ridiculous to begin with since the abstract can’t really fight. Let’s just say they both die before I have to write a philosophical proof on anything.

The battle is winding down when there is natural disaster number two: Electric Boogaloo. The Welsh Family Whirlwind wipes out all remaining survivors from the first go around including the helpless Otter and the swarm of Vermin. The Griffin tries to fly it’s lion shaped body away but its wings get caught in the strong wind and is slammed into the ground. The Whirlwind dissipates naturally until nothing remains.

So who wins? It has to be Cavanaugh. Chaos always wins and since we can’t reverse entropy and I feel bad for ranking them last in my dorm rankings, they are the winners of this ultimate dorm mascot challenge. Good for you guys, maybe you’re more more relevant than I give you credit for.


The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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