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Welcome to obvious satire

| Wednesday, August 29, 2018

How many candidates are doing this a few weeks before an election?” Cut to a bearded man in a brown shirt and what might be a beret riding a tractor. No, I haven’t yet seen that. “How many are rock-solid progressive Democrats?” I don’t know; I haven’t yet seen that. Whistling to patriotic tunes, Nate Kleinman gives the camera a knowing nod, because he knows the congressional seat is already as good as his.

“It’s time for a different kind of politics.” Kleinman wasn’t wrong, when this campaign ad was released to the public late last spring. Whereas political commentators have postulated and theorized about the Trump presidency and what that might mean for the future of our fine country, few have discussed or even mentioned Nate’s innovative techniques for attaining a seat at the table. “Despite the slight thrashing we received at the hands of that Van Drew, polls show that Nate flew into the public eye and really took off as a progressive figurehead,” Kleinman’s campaign manager, Boris Floyd, had to comment. “The numbers are looking good for 2020, so good the party may even consider elevating him to the presidential race.

Indeed, the shocking rate at which Kleinman has become a household name even after losing the Jersey primary has astounded political leaders on both sides of the aisle. But wasn’t this obvious, given the complete success of gimmicks in American politics? Who could forget Levi Tillemann, who pepper-sprayed himself in his own advertisement to show how effective mace could be against school shooters. Though his vision was impaired permanently, and critics still say the spray couldn’t travel as far as a bullet, one cannot deny those electoral results. It’s just like with the Dukakis tank video — there’s just no arguing with that level of success.

Yes, Kleinman’s triumphs have surely introduced a new and effective form of politics to the American scene. “Riding for votes” tactics have spread throughout the country, with more and more creative examples abounding. and one doesn’t have to look too far to see it catching on. Lisa Murkowski (Alaska) has plans to not only ride a bear, but bear-joust with Putin when the first frost comes in, all to secure a win next election cycle. Republicans believe this will dissipate claims of Russian collusion, when Murkowski knocks the bald guy on his hiney. Democrats, in an effort to protect some aspect of the environment, mean to ensure that the mounts are not polar bears shoved from their natural habitat.

Our very own Mayor Pete Buttigieg has come to some recent popularity for riding a donkey past Newfs Thursday, intending to build more rapport with that millennial demographic. In addition, Buttigieg has stated his intention to publicly recreate Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel ceiling in a photograph, he standing in for Adam and University President Fr. John Jenkins there in the person of God. Jenkins has yet to comment on whether this is fact or mere posturing, but BridgeND has already pledged sufficient funds and participants if Buttigieg decides to take it a step further and construct a Last Judgment, Fr. Kevin Grove having already offered to act as Christ.

In response to claims by Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez that she’d gladly join the Hamilton cast as Angelica to tour the nation, President Donald Trump tweeted that he would similarly accept a role as Jean Val Jean, saying he’s the “best” at musical performances. Despite such lovable hubris, in a recent interview with love-interest Steve Doocy the president admitted that, simply because of vocal range, he would be honored if Bernie Sanders could play Javert, saying “their duets would truly make America great again.” Leading commentators do believe this could already be a scheme to prepare for 2020. Ocasio-Cortez has declined to comment on the president’s tweet, instead choosing to call out Aaron Burr for cat-calling.

Then, in what appears to be a desire for pure showmanship, Paul Ryan told Fox reporters Tuesday that cameras would not only be welcome but encouraged at his upcoming piano recital. It’s possible that he just really wants people to see him as the introspective artist he’s always seen in the mirror.

The move to political gimmicks, in light of Kleinman and Tillemann’s recent campaigns, will undoubtedly continue to develop. Just remember to have some sort of reasoned thought on literally any issue before you give your vote to whoever first pulls a rabbit out of a hat.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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