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Zahm in outrage when hot girl becomes nun

| Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Last week, Katie Doe, recent ND grad, took her vows and officially joined the Little Sisters of the Poor. Dedicating her life to the Church and putting her love and labors into the hands of God, Ms. Doe was almost immediately caught up in a growing outrage with certain women who choose religious life. “It’s not a dislike for her faith or piety, not that at all,” sophomore Chad Funderburker shared with Observer reporters. “It’s just that … well, she’s way too hot to just fall off of the market like that.”

Similar sentiment was shared by many of Chad’s fellow residents in Zahm House last Thursday, actually progressing into a full-blown riot held across North Quad. Innumerable pictures of bands of boys in red and black, faces hidden behind wraps of freshmen apparel, blew up across Snapchat, Facebook and YikYak throughout the afternoon. These dedicated rebels proudly lifted their arms in an X and chanted “Shun That Nun!” until NDSP officers were organized to run the rapscallions off. Things stayed relatively peaceful into the next day, till alumni returning for the Ball State game reignited lasting frustrations. Very antagonistic signs were constructed and shown about campus that day, such as “We Demand Our Dames” or the very controversial “God Hates Nuns.” It was a blessing when the depressing malaise of the next days game chilled their resolve, however momentarily.

Funderburker, and a few like-minded compatriots, even went so far as to develop a manifesto, in which they profess that hot girls are a God-given right to the single guy, and that no amount of discernment should justify allowing women to choose the religious life. “I mean, women are autonomous individuals with their own particularities and freedoms. Like, I get that, I get it. I’m just saying that we as a community shouldn’t allow them to throw their life away when they look … well, like THAT!” The manifesto has three paragraphs dedicated to how Ms. Doe is a ten-out-of-ten on the scale, going on to define their scale’s parameters in two subsequent bodies of text (though poorly, in this reporter’s opinion). Included in their final lines seems to be an appeal to these hot girls not acting too hastily in deciding vocations while the men in their lives are too awkward to actually find the nerve to make a move. This appears to be a final request for ND guys to have time for over-analyzing their situation and then drinking until they accidentally make a decision, but all that seems somewhat tangential to the overall argument.

And yet, it was an argument that found plenty of appreciation among the various men’s halls. West Quad hosted a similar protest on Sunday afternoon, after one Keough gentleman’s brunch date was cut short when his companion had to get to mass. O’Neill showed up en masse, frustrated that some girl wearing a crucifix around her neck had, the night before, refused to go home with one of them. Protests lasted for hours, but stayed relatively peaceful, even as organized walk-overs from Dillon and Fisher showed up. One brave RA from Knott even decided to go on a hunger strike, and decided to keep himself honest by intentionally getting lost in Bond. Very, very ferocious and destructive riots took place outside of Carroll Hall, but nobody noticed.

Further demonstrations are being planned for next Sunday in response to festering concerns that have arisen in the ND psyche. Spear-headed by Funderburker and the Zahm originators, this new protest will seek to bring together “the bro’s” on issues more “important” to their designs. “I mean, what’s next? Saint Mary’s girls start to think they can marry people not from Notre Dame? Guys have to start taking both relationships and religion more seriously? Nah, we have to nip this in the bud, immediately.” Funderburker wanted me to record that he tried to publish a call to arms in The Observer for the upcoming event, but that it was censured, on account of being an agitating call to arms and generally rude to half the student body. When asked about the article, editor Mary Freeman had to say, “Yeah, this whole thing has just been really stupid.”

Clearly somewhat flattered but otherwise mainly confused, Katie Doe didn’t have a particular comment for our reporters. She still intends to pursue the choice she’s made, because she’s spent years praying and thinking about it, but now wonders why, if she’s so objectively hot (“like a sun exploding as it crashes into another sun,” Chad stressed to me), no guy ever actually talked to her.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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