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Top-five bad guys

| Thursday, October 25, 2018

Ah, October. The month when the leaves start to change and the sun starts to set a lot earlier. With these shorter days comes more opportunity to reflect on the fears within our hearts — looming midterms, jobless futures and the prospect of losing a football game. What better time of year for Halloween, the holiday of horror.

For me, the best part of Halloween is the slew of horror movies that play on a loop on TV (side note — Freeform played “Mrs. Doubtfire” as a Halloween movie? I will never watch that network again). I love scary movies because A. they serve as a welcome distraction from the fears of real life and B. they are rarely as scary as you think they’re going to be.

However, there have, in the history of film, been some truly terrifyingly evil characters. Some may not be too surprising, and others might blow your mind, but remember that all are objectively fact. So without further ado, here are the most vile, despicable characters to ever grace your screen, from best to worst:

  1. Michael Myers from “Halloween” — Figured I would start with a classic “villain” to ease into the list. It’s easy to see why this guy’s a bad dude. I do, however, have a personal vendetta against him. You see, when I was the ripe old age of nine, my older brother and his friends locked me in the basement, put on the “Halloween” movie on full-blast volume and ensured that the remote and TV buttons were out of reach. My parents came home from a party three hours later to find me curled in the fetal position, with my ears plugged and one of my dad’s ties tied around my eyes. So yes, although he slashes a relatively low amount of people, I had to include Big Mike on this list, for posterity’s sake.

 

  1. The Joker from the “Dark Knight”  No surprises here, folks. This guy scared the bejeezus out of me as a youth. The guy embodied chaos — the scene of him burning the pile of money will forever be seared into my brain. But, to be honest, his dedication to his craft was somewhat … admirable. Plus, he was an excellent storyteller and magician — you have to admit that he was great fun to watch.  Also, I personally think Batman is just about the worst, so for that reason, the Joker is not the most evil person on this list.

 

  1. Edward Cullen from “The Twilight Saga” — I was potentially the biggest Twi-hard there was. I read every book several times, and attended each midnight premier. I’m not ashamed — it was a sign of the times. This summer, however, I had the pleasure of re-watching the series, and can I just say … what? How were young women allowed to glorify this 117-year-old creep who watched a girl sleep, physically and emotionally abused her several times and refused to allow her to associate with her friends. Textbook psychopath. Moving on …

 

  1. King Paimon from “Hereditary” — I need more people to see this film. No one seems to have seen it, so I have no one to talk to about it — though this could be a good thing, considering I’m still dabbling with the idea of therapy from viewing. I don’t really know how to describe King Paimon other than he’s a demon from the deepest pit of hell, with a huge cult following willing to commit unspeakable acts in his name. If you’ve seen it, you get it. As I mentioned previously, I love scary movies. This film, however, defies horror. If I wasn’t in the middle of a row, surrounded by people, I would have left several times. But seriously, go watch! So fun!

Announcing the worst of all of the scummiest characters in any film is …

1. Uncle Joe from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” — This truth does not get told enough. Let me lay it down for you. We as an audience are led to believe that Charlie’s family is dirt poor. They eat the same lettuce and potato soup for every single meal, wear tattered cloth as winter clothes and Charlie’s mother worked her hands to the bones in a weird laundry shop. Fine, you say. We do what we can for family, and I can’t expect an old, disabled man who can’t even get out of bed to contribute his fair share. All that goes out the window, however, when little Charlie happens upon a piece of paper that gets him into a glorified sweatshop for candy. Joe bounds out of bed, does a fancy dance just to rub it in to the three genuinely disabled people that he actually can walk, and demands to be the one to escort Charlie. I cannot emphasize enough how much this man embodies pure evil.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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