Scene’s Selections: Uninformed Super Bowl predictions
This Sunday, the New England Patriots and the Los Angeles Rams will face each other in Super Bowl LIII. Boston vs. L.A. East Coast vs. West Coast. It’s sure to be an interesting matchup on the field, but here at Scene, we don’t care much for the on-field activities. So, instead of looking at the Xs and Os of it all, we’re looking at some of the finer points of the spectacle and making some very important predictions.
Maroon 5 will land a “Sweet Victory”
By Jim Moster, Scene Writer
After selling themselves out to the seductive realm of formulaic and uninspired electronic-pop anthems, Maroon 5 finally has the opportunity to give old fans something they actually want — not more Maroon 5, but “Spongebob Squarepants.” A recent Change.org petition, which calls for the song “Sweet Victory” from the “Band Geeks” episode of “Spongebob” to be performed at the Super Bowl halftime show, has garnered over 1 million signatures and sparked a fire beneath the generation defined by Stephen Hillenburg’s beloved undersea creatures.
For the unenlightened, “Band Geeks” follows Squidward’s impassioned efforts to transcend the tedium of the service industry by assembling a legendary band to perform at the Bubble Bowl. One can imagine the potent empathy a band like Maroon 5 would feel for Squidward, who must reject cynicism by seizing his chance for redemption and trusting in the residents of Bikini Bottom. Although they relied on over 30 outside writers to regurgitate their most recent album, which clings to Adam Levine’s trademark falsetto like a life preserver, an outsider’s song might actually be key to Maroon 5’s atonement with their old fanbase. The band tweeted out a #SBLIII teaser containing a brief clip of a certain talking sponge, so I predict that Maroon 5 might revel in one last “Sweet Victory” after all.
A small number of people (all of them young, all of them in college, most of them men) will watch commercials, angrily
By Mike Donovan, Associate Scene Editor
It is Sunday night. A lot of people are gathered around their TV screens, watching two teams of very athletic men engage in ritual combat. Some of these people emphatically express their devotion to one team and disparage the other. Others do not express strong feelings for either team, which is fine. When advertisements run between bouts of brawny men throwing balls, everyone gazes intently. “That was funny,” one fan says about a funny Doritos commercial. “That was nice,” another fan says about a nice GE commercial. People nod in agreement. “Yes, yes it was,” they concur.
A small number of people (all of them young, all of them in college, most of them men) also spectate, but they do so angrily. They make angry faces and quote angry continental philosophers in an angry tone. During the nice GE commercial, one young and angry man of college age spews a series of grunts and hollers in response to what he (stealing Adorno and Horkheimer’s words) considers, “The stereotyped appropriation of everything, even the inchoate, for the purposes of mechanical reproductions” and a perversion of “real style.” “I know, it’s sooooo bourgeoisie,” another angry young person assents (as he secretly looks up the word “inchoate” on his phone).
The sporting ritual ends. Followers of the winning team cheer. Followers of the losing team do not. There is some light-hearted jeering, but nothing gets out of hand. For the most part, everyone is happy — save a small number of angry young people (all of them young, all of them in college, most of them men).
The Los Angeles Rams will win because Sean McVay is a millennial
By Ryan Israel, Scene Writer
I firmly believe that the Los Angeles Rams will beat the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LIII solely because Sean McVay, their head coach, is a millennial and Bill Belichick, the head coach of the Patriots, is not. Call it an age bias, but I believe it.
Sean McVay probably pulls up to the swanky Los Angeles practice facility with his beard perfectly trimmed, his airpods blasting Migos, his Lululemon khakis swishing in the wind and his Off-White Nike Air Jordan 1’s shining. Bill Belichick, however, probably walks on to the cold New England practice field wearing excessively baggy sweatpant-shorts and an old hoodie with cut-off sleeves.
Bill Belichick probably thinks that hearing Maroon 5 play “Sugar” at halftime will be the highlight of the show while Sean McVay probably knows that the real highlight will be Travis Scott’s rendition of “Sicko Mode.”
Sure, Belichick has years of coaching experience, a record-setting five Super Bowl wins and the best quarterback of all time in Tom Brady. But Sean McVay, a trend-setting 33-year-old hot shot, has endless amounts of swag, and in the end, that’s what it really takes to win the big game.