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Introducing: The Modern American

| Thursday, February 14, 2019

I want you all to meet a man who needs no introduction. Please stand.

Introducing the Modern American.

The Modern American is a long-awaited soy latte, lots of sugar, lots of cream.
Actually, throw in some whole milk, after today we’ll deserve the treat.
The Modern American gets high on the hidden caffeine;
They appropriate the buzz of monks and imagine that they’re free.
The Modern American guzzles it and runs like it’s gasoline.

The Modern American is subservient to The Modern Psychedelic.
All those knock-offs in the third world, man I bet they’re jealous.
Bet they wish they could get together and trip in three-piece suits and cubicles, elevate and reach One Group Mind.
The Modern American is the finest of its kind. A World Wide Web of sticky silk and slime.

What’s New? We Fixed the Bugs. No more Big-OTS viruses and pesky Macro-Aggressions, we’ve kept them small. In fact, they’re so well-integrated, some won’t notice them at all.

The Modern American dreams of love and money and nothing else.
We’ve found that maintaining the software’s dualistic structure at this juncture allows the system to beguile the social body with stealth.
The Modern American inputs charm and power and exports wealth.

The Modern American “thinks freely” at triple the cost of last year’s Mindful American, or the Moral American from just a couple years back. At last, this is everything those outdated systems lacked.
Thinking historically, I’d say we’re right on track.

The Modern is just the beginning of the Psychological Revolution.
It’s a one-way ticket to a commercialist system of social position.
And think of all the cares we’ll throw away achieving our vision.

Let’s all give him a warm welcome.

Theresa Azemar is a sophomore who can be reached at who can be reached at [email protected]

Show Some Skin is a student-run initiative committed to giving voice to unspoken narratives about identity and difference. The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily of Show Some Skin as an organization.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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