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Which Disney Princess I would be most likely to marry

| Tuesday, March 5, 2019

No this is not your standard BuzzFeed quiz. I have not researched the Disney movies these princesses come from, nor have I tried to cater to popular opinion on this one. My thoughts come from my 6-12-year-old impressions. Is there a better way to judge your life partner than on those formative years? The answer is ambiguous at best. I used Disney’s official website, which has around 25 or so different qualifiers on what made someone a Disney Princess, so if you have an issue with my selection, take it up with the creators themselves. Anyway, these are my thoughts on who I would marry in the Disney universe and why some are undoubtedly better.

1. Belle

I’m not saying I’m the hairiest guy in the world but I do have to shave fairly regularly, a fact Belle would not mind. We have a mutual love of all things French including toast, fries and surrender. Maybe even a French kiss, I don’t presume in marriage though. Since no one is quite like Gaston, I know my comparatively small muscles will attract Belle, unlike the antagonist of the story. I also am I fan of her healthy relationship with her father and the loving community she lives in (Beast slaying regardless). I would not mind settling in the French countryside.

2. Mulan

I know Mulan can pass as a dude, and I don’t swing that way, but she makes up for it by having a freaking pet dragon. Although not even a real animal, I would marry her for that alone. Besides that though, she has amazing bravery and courage and generally seems pretty nice. I would never want to fight her, which is a statement I think most husbands should make for their wives which is a good step. 

3. Rapunzel

For someone who has been locked in a room her whole life, she still has a lot of real world knowledge and wits about her. I’m thinking of when Flynn saved her in Tangled, she held her own quite well with her hair serving as a formidable weapon. I don’t sit well with shower hair, so that could be a problem.

4. Jasmine

I don’t find Jasmine particularly interesting compared to the princesses before her, but she has a crazy nice palace and she obviously has a good heart for liking street rats. I can only wish I had Aladdin’s charm, but she obviously takes people of lower class than her, a predicament I can relate to. Don’t tell her I’m Boat 1 though.

5. Elsa

I lived in Denmark for a semester and I can tell you, Elsa is the Scandinavian prototype of princess. However, I found Danes to not really like their royalty anymore so she is moving down the list. She also has a poor relationship with her family so that’s a knock on her too.  

6. Pocahontas

Hot take, but Pocahontas is boring. The end of the movie makes it seem like it all works out because of she and John Rolf’s marriage but obviously we know that’s not accurate. I do like her love of nature and I guess I like to camp so that would work but, overall not the strongest pick.

7. Cinderella

Speaking of boring, Cinderella oozes apathy. I would not want to marry into that family with two horrible step-sisters and an even worse mother-in-law. She is the cliche. I also know I am not up to her standards and I accept that, but that does not mean I should seek her out as a wife either.

8. Snow White

Now we are getting into territory of princesses I would never even attempt to date. There’s an old joke how you have to be wary of Snow White because she lives with seven other guys but I don’t subscribe to that. She lives with seven terrible roommates regardless of gender. Their zany characteristics are anything but adorable and I would not set foot in that house, let alone leave a toothbrush for overnight. I also do not plan to have seven groomsmen at my wedding so she’s a pass.

9. Ariel

Ariel comes in last because of her naivete. Listen, being human is not that great anymore. We are killing the planet, especially her ocean home and half the memes these days are about wanting to die. The insistence she has on wanting to be like us is frankly insane, and I would much rather become a mermaid. Here’s the rub: I don’t want to be a mermaid, so she is last on this list.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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