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Babies are dumb

| Thursday, April 4, 2019

Babies are dumb.

If you leave a baby alone, it will probably hurt itself.

If a baby is hungry, it will not make itself a sandwich. It will cry until somebody brings it food.

Babies have poor reasoning skills.

Babies can’t talk or read or write because they have no concept of language.

Babies can’t walk either. They just roll around like idiots.

Babies can’t breathe very well. So they cry — which is dumb.

Babies don’t know what turpentine is. Do you know what turpentine is? If not, you must be a baby.

If people have both a house and a baby, then they have to baby-proof their house. Nobody ever has to adult-proof their house. This is because adults are smart, and babies are dumb.

Have you ever seen a baby flying a plane?

Babies cannot chew because they have no teeth. Dumb.

Babies have very small ears (this is just an observation).

Babies are born without a gut microbiome. So dumb!

Babies have no social skills. If you invite a baby to your poetry reading, the baby will not say, “You know I’d really love to go, but my parents are in town and … er, good luck!” The baby (dumb) will stare at you and cry.

According to The New Yorker (smart), babies are dumb.

Do you remember what is was like to be a baby?  No. You (as a baby) were too dumb to create long term memories.

Babies sleep a lot because they are so dumb that thinking makes them tired.

Babies lack object permanence. If you show a baby a ping-pong ball and then take the ping-pong ball to another room, the baby thinks the ping-pong ball has disappeared forever. What an idiot!

If a baby looks at contemporary art, it will not pretend to understand. The baby will just be confused.

Babies have no concept of morality. If you see a baby, assume it’s a relativist.

Babies also have no sense of their own mortality, which is both dangerous and dumb.

Babies cannot form meaningful relationships with their peers.

Babies make poor consultants (consulting firms hate babies?).

When I asked my friend Mike (a biology major) if babies were dumb, he said, “Yes Mike, babies are dumb.” Mike is smart. I trust Mike.

When elephants are born, they walk.

When giraffes are born, they fall a meter to the ground. Then they walk.

When sea turtles are born, they waddle toward the sea.

Zebras can run within the first 45 minutes of life.

Seahorses can breathe underwater.

Even baby plants grow toward the sun.

Baby humans do none of these things.

Babies are so dumb.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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About Mike Donovan

Mike enjoys good words.

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