I realize the title of this article may seem ridiculous to some of you. After all, depending on the teams, New York has had a respectable past decade of sports. The Giants won a Super Bowl in 2012. The Yankees are pretty much always competitive and have a bright future ahead. The Islanders have had a somewhat surprising resurgence in the past two years, especially considering the loss of superstar Jonathan Tavares. The Nets just signed two of the NBA’s biggest superstars and are likely to be championship contenders in a couple of years. With this in mind, one could paint quite a pretty picture of life as a New York sports fan.
It may not be as glamorous as that of the greedy New England swine who can’t keep quiet about a certain system quarterback, but there’s something there. But I mean to speak to a different New York sports fan, particularly the likes of those in Queens and Long Island, those like myself. I’m talking about the dastardly combination of the New York Mets, the New York Jets, the New York Rangers and the New York Knicks.
Even typing that combination of organizations gave me nausea. Following these abominations year in and year out is like a car ride through central Indiana that never ends. There’s nothing to look forward to, nothing to be happy about, no end in sight, and you’re likely sick at the thought of staying in the car for longer than five more minutes.
With the 2019 sports cycle coming to an end, and the Jets having already crushed the hopes of New York fans a measly three weeks into the season, there are no options left. Sometimes all you can do is wallow in your own melancholy and wonder why you’ve been inculcated with such a propensity for masochism. So, let’s take a quick look at the series of disgusting events that have underlined each of these teams this year. And let’s take a moment to wallow in how horrible things truly can be.
New York Rangers
Now, I’ll admit, the New York Rangers have been competitive at times in the past 10 years. They made the Stanley Cup in 2014, and they’ve proven they can be ambitious in the free agent market in the past. But they’re an original six team, and they’ve won four Stanley Cups, the last of which was in 1994. I mean come on. You can talk about Madison Square Garden, original six, and Mark Messier all you want, but you’ve been around for nearly 50 more years than the Islanders and have the same amount of Stanley Cups. Gross.
New York Mets
At first glance, you might think the Mets are the least guilty of the culprits listed above. After all, they made the World Series in 2015, and they made a respectable second half run at the NL wildcard. You’d be wrong. The Mets are arguably the worst of all. They toy with you year in and year out. You believe they might make a run at the wildcard, that the trade for Marcus Stroman might take them to the next level, that this could be the year. You tweet #yagottabelieve like it’s 1986. And then, after they’ve dangled the tennis ball in your face for six months and you’ve spent countless hours chasing the reward, they drive away in their disgusting Honda Civic and leave you for the pound. Pigs.
New York Jets
I almost feel like I don’t even need to type this one out.
Mark Sanchez.
Geno Smith’s broken jaw (from an altercation with a fellow Jets teammate).
Butt Fumble.
Mono.
Sheeeesh.
New York Knicks
In my personal opinion, the Knicks are the most humiliatingly disgusting of all these usual suspects. And James Dolan is their leader, like a dejected, nonviolent, “Scary Movie” parody version of Keyser Soze.
They didn’t even get a MEETING with Kevin Durant! A MEETING! They’re the New York Knicks, an emblem of basketball history!
The brightest moment of recent Knicks history was the three-week, impressive stint of a Harvard graduate who now finds himself on the Beijing Ducks.
Humiliating.
I hope I’ve done something for those suffering fans out there like me from the New York area. Although it is true that the wave of pain and suffering strengthens mightily each year as these glorified high school teams test the limits of what we’ll openly call “professional” sports, sometimes it can be good for the mind to dive head first into the sorrow.
