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10 ways to deal with parietals

| Friday, November 22, 2019

In light of recent protests against parietals and controversy that has surrounded this gender-segregating policy, I thought it would be appropriate to provide a few solutions for heterosexual students who want some extra private time with individuals from the opposite sex (and for some reason do not have extra off-campus apartments). You know, for the classic late night private studying. 

Due to lack of personal experience and because I am now off campus, I had to ask my friends if breaking parietals was at all possible, and if so, which schemes did they have to pull off to do so. With the help of my good friend Tamima Mourad, we were able to gather a couple ideas from our friends on how to succeed in breaking parietals. Some of the responses we received are: 

  1. Have the person go in early and just never leave. Pro tip: keep one or more empty water bottles in case they have to pee. 
  2. Get someone to open the back door.
  3. Have someone go up each flight of stairs before you and check the halls.
  4. String a rope from the top of your window to the bottom floor and have the person climb up.
  5. Always carry an extra pair of your clothes, especially sweaters and hats, and ask the person to dress up with them beforehand. 
  6. “OMG que?” — translates to “OMG what?”
  7. If the laundry room is closer to your room or close to a 24-hour space, get the person to run to a laundry bin and put piles of clothes over them — even if they are not your clothes, just whatever is lying around. Take the bin to your room and act like 3 a.m. is usually the time you do laundry. 
  8. Cover the person with a long blanket, maybe they won’t ask. 
  9. Carry pepper spray in case an RA / AR / rector shows up, you can think of an explanation later. 
  10. Just run and hope for the best. 

Sadly, during my dorm days people were not bold enough to take these risks — or maybe the idea didn’t occur to them. Therefore, I could not witness such crimes, or rather, political statements being performed. However, the people behind these suggestions guarantee an 83.7% success rate for most of these plans of action. 

So if parietals are still at the top of your concerns and the University is not responding to your protest against parietals, I encourage you to give these a try. Good luck to all of you brave souls who do!

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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