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Notre Dame’s most overrated

| Thursday, November 21, 2019

I love this school — really, I do. But there are parts of daily life here I simply don’t understand. Below, you will find a list of grievances. Direct all thoughts and comments to the “contact Tom” button at the bottom.

Every food option in LaFun

Look, I know the dining halls have their challenges. But the LaFun alternatives? I have not been to Smashburger in three years—I’m not in the market for a grinding stomachache. Starbucks? I lack the patience for that line and the economic resources for those prices. Taco Bell? I don’t want the EPA to have to perform my autopsy. I don’t care that Subway was “the highest grossing location in America.” The only thing “gross” about it is what they try to pass off as food.

Dorm parties

I don’t love crowds, so perhaps it’s not surprising I hate the thought of 80 people crammed in a room only slightly wider than I am tall. These events are so warm that even the floor sweats. It’s hard to carry out conversations with a speaker blaring and every sound bouncing off the cinderblock walls. I shake my head every time I see a group of people getting hype to attend one of these functions. But maybe I’m just bitter. I took an (inadvertent) elbow straight to the stomach at a “social gathering” freshman year and subsequently declared, “Never again.” Plus, fire hazard much?

Tailgating

Too much depends on the day. Tailgating is far more pleasant on a spectacular September afternoon than it is on a frozen November morning. Some game days I wake up, rearing to go. On others, my alarm goes off and I groan. Not because I don’t appreciate generous hospitality and spending time with friends, but rather because the thought of spending eight hours on my feet in a blizzard is a sad way to start your day. Maybe this entry would not have made this list if I was Canadian.

The snowball fight

A light dusting of snow and overeager freshmen are a lethal combo. When you have a snowball fight when blades of grass are still visible, it quickly turns into a literal mudslinging contest. Which is why I was excited when, for the first time in my undergraduate career, last week’s first snow brought some substantial snowfall. I had a blast — until I took an iceball from an unidentified attacker straight to the forehead. I had a headache for a week.

Touchdown Jesus

Notre Dame is a beautiful campus. There’s the Dome, which shimmers in the midday sun; the breathtaking Basilica of the Sacred Heart; the understated Grotto. And then there’s tacky, quasi-cubist Jesus. One of these is not like the others.

Touchdown Jesus does not fit the campus aesthetic — at all. I’m all for glorifying God, but is that really how we decided to do it? With a super weird representation of the Messiah and a bunch of other difficult to identify biblical figures? Plus, we need to discuss the moniker. Whoever gave the mosaic that name had definitely never seen a touchdown signal. Jesus’ arms are far too perpendicular for that. The nickname is undeserved.

Contact Tom at [email protected]

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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About Tom Naatz

Tom is a senior at University of Notre Dame. He is majoring in Political Science and Spanish and is originally from Rockville, Maryland. When he's not working as the News Editor at The Observer, you can find him juggling, watching D.C. sports, or juggling to distract himself from the stressful nature of D.C. sports.

Contact Tom