To the student body of Notre Dame:
I’m ready to leave behind the black hole of fake charm and shameless self-promotion that draws many of ND’s best and brightest into its dim corridors (and no, I’m not talking about Zahm). After the reprehensible Iowa caucuses and scandal-ridden student government elections, I’m certain that many of you are sick of politics. You’re not alone. These “candidates” expect us to listen to their ideas? Attend debates? The only way you’re dragging me to an event at the Duncan Student Center is with free Chick-Fil-A or a job offer. That’s why I’m writing directly to you, the breath of life on this campus, to declare my politics-free candidacy for student body president and vice president. Although the Parker-Parker campaign is arriving late in the game, as a billionaire who’s self-funding, nobody can tell me I can’t participate.
I’m here to lay out my platform, plain and simple. If you like what you read, consider Parker-Parker for this election.
Parietals
What a controversial year for the age-old policy. The Observer’s Viewpoint section turned into WWI France over the topic: a dirty stalemate in which people ended up harming themselves more than the enemy, all while our leaders stayed safe and clean in their golden palaces. Everybody’s got an opinion on parietals. So what’s my stance? Let’s be real: the University is never giving up parietals. The old money that funds our endowment would never have it. I propose that nobody be allowed in other people’s dorms, regardless of gender. Instead, we organize “visiting hours” where students can meet in a safe space under the close watch of resident assistants. To build interdorm community even with these new rules, we create “recreational hours” where students can exercise and socialize on their quads. At the conclusion of these hours, students will return to their supervised dorms. This solves the issue of gender inequality. But what about the closely-related issue of campus safety?
Campus Safety
From voyeurism to credit card fraud, it’s clear that this campus has more criminals than the University of Miami. Crime lurks behind every window and door. How do we combat this omnipresent, omnimalevolent problem? We’ve already solved the problem of in-dorm crime with the parietals legislation. Outside of dorms, students will be mandated to travel in groups from building to building with a resident assistant or University employee. For safety, and since we’re in Indiana, all employees will be armed. This includes gate guards, who will be instructed not to let in every dude who mumbles “Uber” and waves his hand. Furthermore, Campus Safety will convert Club Hes into a watchtower with a roving spotlight to deter crime. Finally, I believe that Notre Dame must build a big, beautiful wall, with a door where people can come into this campus. But they have to come legally.
Diversity and Inclusion
As a student who heavily relies on financial aid, I understand the struggle each semester as the IRISHPAY emails start racking up. Nothing terrifies me like the prospect of the fated “unenrolled’ email because my family couldn’t pay our share. Furthermore, at my high school in the Bronx, New York, I don’t think I had a single class of all-white students. I’m not saying I’m the champion of diversity; it was a Catholic prep school where Vineyard Vines was the unofficial uniform and kids rowed crew. Still, the only time Notre Dame gets any whiter is when there’s a blizzard. I want to put low-income and non-white students first. First, Notre Dame will abolish any tuition requirement, instead signing a contract with the government which will subsidize tuition, room and board in exchange for labor from the student body. In order to boost diversity, I suggest we take a cue off a standout Indiana establishment that has redefined racial diversity in the state. This dual legislation will create an equal playing field for students from all socioeconomic backgrounds.
There you have it, folks. Plain and simple. Let’s make all of Notre Dame’s buildings look like Haggar Hall. Let’s turn this school into a prison. Parker-Parker 2020.
