With all live sports being canceled, I have spent some of my free time following the WWE. Watching these athletes resolve everything with violence made me wonder, what if Notre Dame students had the talent, ego and recklessness of WWE stars?
If such a universe existed, here are typical Notre Dame situations where all hell would break loose:
(Warning: Please do not try this at school.)
North Dining Hall on a Thursday Afternoon
Imagine you’ve been waiting 10 minutes in the notorious Southwest Salad line, but you’ve almost made it to the promised land. Out of nowhere, a Zahm guy cuts in front of you! Without hesitation, you smack him clean in the face with your tray. He responds by tackling you into the sandwich bar and chaos ensues.
Study Rooms in Hesburgh Library
You and your squad pull up to the first-floor group study room at the time slot you signed up for on the library website. However, you see another group in there working on a project. You enter the room and tell them to hit the road, but instead of packing their bags and awkwardly heading out, they spit in your face and refuse to leave. Next thing you know, rolling chairs begin flying in this makeshift cage match.
Your Discussion-Based Class
No matter the topic, every lecture ends up with that Bernie bro and the MAGA hat student going back and forth. Sooner or later, one of them is getting suplexed by the other.
Dorm Mass
During the sign of peace, you see someone hugging your significant other for a significant amount of time. Make sure to run straight to confession after putting that dormmate through the altar table.
Duncan Student Center Gym at 4pm on a weekday
It’s chest day for 30 people and there are only four bench presses. Commence the battle royale!
Career Fair
Picture a steel ladder and at the top of it lies a briefcase that contains a contract for an internship at Goldman Sachs. Now picture a bunch of formally dressed finance hardos brawling to get to the top of that ladder.
Dorm Room Picks
You thought you and your “best friend” were going to room together, but on the last day she turns heel and instead signs up for a double with that one person you can’t stand. An emotional no-holds-barred match ensues in the dorm lounge after this betrayal.
While all these scenarios are fun to imagine, I’m happy that Notre Dame students are generally loving and respectful towards one another and would never want to hurt each other in real life.
Marcos Salamanca
senior
Mar. 28
