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The senior list of demands

| Tuesday, April 7, 2020

I’ll be honest. This really, deeply — in a way that cannot be overstated — is bad.

The coronavirus is something I do not like at all, and I harbor no positive feelings towards it or the things it associates with. I don’t like it at all. If I saw it, I would try and fight it.

The effects of it have been (again, brace yourself) bad.

Don’t get me wrong. College students are pretty far down the list of people you should feel bad for in all of this. However, this still sucks, and I write for a college newspaper, and nothing says college newspaper quite like ignoring the outside world to focus on your own feelings.

And my personal feelings as a senior are that this is bad and I feel sad. If you need me to tell you why, then I don’t know, either read any other column from the last two weeks or, honestly, just sit this one out.

However, this is Notre Dame. There is a reason that this University is called the Fighting Irish. If I have learned anything from my 22 years of being raised in an Irish family, it is that when you are confronted with a difficult problem that upsets you there is only one acceptable response: You need to bury those feelings deep down inside, inside a part of yourself you pretend doesn’t exist, and completely ignore them. Emotions are expressly not allowed.

If those feelings ever surface, make sure you do not express them to others in any capacity. In the time you ignore these problems, ensure that if they do resurface, you use them for one thing and one thing only: revenge.

Again, not sadness. Sadness would require being open and vulnerable to others. The only acceptable emotions to feel are those that lead to revenge. This is the correct Irish response.

Therefore, I propose my list of demands for the Class of 2020 in order to make up for the abrupt ending of our senior year and our graduation from Zoom University.

The list is simple:

1. We get to burn down a building

A simple, doable request. The last class to miss commencement was the Class of 1879, who was sent home after a fire burned down the Administration Building. It seems only fair that the Class of 2020 should be able to elect one building to burn down to cement their legacy as the class who was sent away without pomp or circumstance or their belongings. A University that cares so much about tradition should jump at this opportunity. There are many good candidates for the old “en fuego.” While this should be determined by a class vote, I have a few ideas:

  • Pangborn

I feel like this one speaks for itself. I know many people who have lived in Pangborn. It should be returned to the flames from which it came. If Fisher goes down with it, so be it.

  • DeBartolo Hall

Don’t get me wrong, this would be a sober moment. DeBartolo is the center of Notre Dame, with attendance to its halls a daily occurrence for almost any major. However, there is no better class to take the noble sacrifice of burning down DeBartolo Hall, a place at one of the best universities in the country that has neither drinkable water nor a seating system better than a budget movie theatre.

  • Zahm

I ran the Holy Half in 2018. A group of guys offered me a saltine as I was running, and for some reason I ate it. My mouth instantly lost every bit of water it ever had. It was at that point I realized I had just passed Zahm. The next water station was over two miles away. Burn it down. Who says no?

  • The Dome

Would be hilarious.

2. A Zoommencement speaker comedian

Look, there is probably no better joke than receiving your college degree over Zoom and then printing it out on your home computer. That’s pretty hard to beat. I have no problems with Bartholomew I either. It’s just that I know tragedy creates comedy, and we need someone who can give it a try. I’m thinking John Mulaney or Bill Burr. Nothing quite says Irishmen burying their feelings quite like those guys.

3. Five Dollars

Worth a try.

4. Season tickets for the 2020 football season

Again, worth a try.

So, there it is. This is the revenge that the Class of 2020 deserves. I hope that on Memorial Day Weekend of 2021, we can all walk from the Grotto as a class and burn down the building of our choice, together. Because really, that’s what the Notre Dame community is all about.

Danny McMaster is a senior business analytics major, and has never once been wrong in his entire life. He was recently voted The Observer’s Columnist of the Century, and counts this as his greatest accomplishment in life. He can be reached at [email protected] or @DanMcMaster14 on Twitter.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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