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scene

Zoom: The hottest online matchmaking platform

| Friday, April 3, 2020

Jackie Junco | The Observer

With classes being held online for the rest of the semester, you are undoubtedly devastated, kept up at night lamenting your failure to fulfill the fundamental item on your Notre Dame bucket list. No, not the Hesburgh Challenge — ring by spring.

I get it. All year you were nervous, every day postponing that moment of immense valor when you would walk right up to your class crush to announce your existence. And now you’ve unexpectedly lost the last two months on campus, and with it, seemingly all hope of romance. Gone are the days when you could suavely sit next to your crush in lecture or strike up a conversation after class. Heck, you can’t even match with them on Tinder because you’re 2,000 miles apart. 

Well, have no fear. The newest online matchmaking platform is here, gaining vast popularity in the past few weeks as the number of users worldwide has skyrocketed, and it’s called Zoom.

At first glance, Zoom may appear to be a weak substitute for human interaction in college courses, work meetings and fitness classes. Yet, upon further investigation, Zoom presents an abundance of opportunities to entertain, charm and flirt with that special someone from your 8:20. The following are Scene’s 12 guaranteed* ways to get your crush to notice you in class (ring not included). 

Follow them at your own risk.**

1. Show up to class halfway through. Make a lot of noise as you sit down and then act embarrassed.

2. “Accidentally” play your Spotify queued up to the band you overheard your crush talking about.

3. When Zoom recognizes you’re the loudest voice in the meeting and places that green box around you, act like a mime and try to get out.

4. Make “reactions” every time your crush speaks. Use this feature nonstop to show your complete faith in the validity of every point they make. You can’t go wrong with the trusty thumbs-up and hand-clapping — just make sure your crush isn’t asking for extra office hours because they failed the last exam or something.

5. Continuously use the chat feature. A safe start is to send witty class-related comments to everyone, but if you’re up for added excitement, private chat your crush, inviting them to engage in an exclusive Socratic dialogue with you while your professor drones on about Ponzi schemes.

6. Wear an ugly Christmas sweater. Or earmuffs. Or your old eye patch from Pirate Dance. If, for some reason, your crush doesn’t seem to notice your impeccable fashion style, walk two feet to your closet and model something else.

7. Get your siblings to make appearances. If they are particularly knowledgeable about Nietzsche, invite them to stay for the entirety of your philosophy class and offer their opinions to boost your participation grade. Otherwise, encourage them to interrupt your class by dancing through your room or interviewing Grandma for a school project.

8. If possible, get your dog to make an appearance. Barks and tail-wagging appreciated. Use Spot to exhibit your caring side.

9. Zoom from an unconventional location in your house, such as the back corner of your garage, your fruit cellar, your sister’s walk-in closet or the sandbox in your backyard.

10. If you can’t find a good place at home to Zoom from, change your virtual background — possibly every 10 minutes. Invite your crush to travel the world with you by calling in from Machu Picchu, Gotham City and Ferris Bueller’s bedroom — all within one 50-minute period!

11. Hone your multitasking skills. While listening in on class, also knit new mittens, make Play-Doh sculptures, fold your laundry, run on the treadmill, taxidermy a squirrel, mix potions, etc. 

12. If all else fails, use the screen share feature. Preferably, share photoshopped wedding photos of you and your crush, with Fr. Jenkins officiating and Chris Finke as the best man. Some kid who always sits in the back and never does his homework will probably wake up to screenshot them, but at least you’ll have evidence of this day to show to your future kids.

*Official certification pending

** Note: If your professor has the nerve to scold you for any of these actions, apologize but blame it on “connectivity issues” — they’ll probably believe you. 

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