A motion to rename the quads

Sometimes people can’t handle the truth but they need to hear it.

In many conversations with my friends — I have tons of them by the way — I’ll bring up my idea to rename the quads. “Ryan,” they’ll say, “You’re right, as always, but people aren’t ready to hear that truth.”

Well my friends, it’s now or never.

We need to rename the quads.

The main change to the quad names revolves around the false advertisement that is South Quad. South Quad is by no means the southernmost quad on campus. Its name is a misnomer and ought to be changed. North Quad, a truly wonderful quad, is the northernmost quad on campus; West Quad, a fine quad no doubt, is the westernmost quad campus — excluding Carroll Quad, which is only included in this motion as a kindness to the boys way out west and can’t lay claim to any other name than the one given by the only building on it.

So geographically, South Quad is false. The very fact that it is called South Quad is an embarrassment to mapmakers and cartographers everywhere. The true “South Quad” is the one which many call DeBart Quad. Bookended by the Fitzpatrick Hall of Engineering and the DeBartolo Performing Arts Center, DeBart Quad is a criminally underrated swath of campus which includes wonderful buildings such as DeBartolo Hall, Jenkins Nanovic Hall, the Stinson Remick Hall of Engineering, the Eck Hall of Law, the Hesburgh Center and the Stayer Center — at least those are the only buildings on DeBart Quad that matter.

DeBart Quad is the true South Quad, and this motion seeks to recognize that by officially calling it so. As for the fate of the once glorious South Quad, only one names seems fitting –– West Quad II. West Quad II stays true to South Quad’s previous geographically focused name while also acknowledging the existence of West Quad. West Quad II has a nice ring to it, although careful attention must be paid so that it’s not misconstrued as “West Quad too,”  and the Roman numerals add a nice regal touch.

Along with this renaming, the motion recognizes the updated quad rankings as 1) God Quad 2) North Quad 3) Mod Quad 4) South Quad 5) West Quad 6) West Quad II and 7) Carroll. No further explanation will be given or questions fielded regarding these rankings at the time the motion is presented. Thank you for your understanding.

Lastly, the motion memorializes Oct. 28 as Notre Dame’s official “Rename the Quads” day, on which classes will be cancelled for the full day and students will be called to reflect on the importance of names.

I really hope someone in Student Government reads this — I know they’re such big fans of The Observer — and can bring this motion to the floor or at the very least every student on campus reads this Inside Column, agrees with it completely and begins referring to the quads by their new and proper names. If you need me to speak on its behalf, I’ll be off-campus with the other outcasts, pariahs, scapegoats, ne’er-do-wells, miscreants and fools, sitting on South-South Quad, also known as my backyard.