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We need a flex point stock market

| Wednesday, September 23, 2020

What’s the deal with flex points? They’re not flexible, and they’re not points. Their market value is just far too low, and they can’t get you anywhere in this economy! We need an innovation, and fast. We need entrepreneurship. We need big ideas. We need a flex point stock market.

The rules of this market honestly write themselves. Instead of the Dow Jones, the index will be called the Dow Jenkins. All bonds will be issued, obviously, at Bond Hall. Trading hours will be the same as parietals. Off-campus students will, unfortunately, not be able to participate.

All entities on campus will henceforth become corporations in which students can invest. From restaurants to dorms to academic buildings, the sky is the limit when putting together your new flex portfolio. Additionally, each corporation will get its own ticker for trading purposes. For instance, students could buy shares of MEAT (Subway), BAGL (Einstein Bros.), or WRAP (Cafe de Grasta).

What better way for students to practice their financial literacy or discover the joys of late-stage capitalism? The flex market will allow them to express their passions through investment without the perpetual Crypto Engine taking a piece of their passions. Imagine a world where you hear less “I’m going to get a coffee from ABP” and more “I’m going to short my Pizza Pi stock.” Incredible!

The flex market will also allow students to sell their own stock to fund new business endeavors. The possibilities for entrepreneurship are endless. All you need is a bright idea, a good pitch, and a willing group of flex shareholders. I, for one, am going to launch a start-up that aims to harness the power of the SDH bees. 

One of the best impacts of the flex market is that it will put into motion many much-needed business combinations. Let’s face it—there are too many places on campus with the same name! It would be much simpler if they became a single entity with multiple locations. Duncan Hall should acquire the Duncan Student Center and become Duncan 2. Pasquerilla West, Pasquerilla East, and the Pasquerilla Center should all merge into one big Pasquerilla Corporation. And it’s only right that the Eck Baseball Stadium, Eck Hall of Law, Eck Tennis Pavilion and Eck Visitors Center merge to become the Eckstravaganza.

Think of all the positive externalities! We could finally get a concrete answer on the NDH vs SDH debate, depending on which stock is more valuable. We could buy a bunch of stock in the Radiation Building and collectively demand to know what goes on in there. We could invest in a memorial fund for Clashmore Mike and save up enough to bring him back. Inspiring.

The best part of the flex market? Flex points aren’t even real money, so you don’t have to feel bad if you accidentally exploit anyone. Now get out there, and start your investing!

Kerry Schneeman | The Observer

Ella Wisniewski is a junior studying English and Economics. She tries her best not to take herself too seriously. You can reach her at [email protected] or @ellawisn on Twitter.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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