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Huge drama column (not clickbait)

| Wednesday, March 31, 2021

When I sat down to write this column, I first thought that I should do a big prank on you guys for April Fools’ Day. Then, I realized that I didn’t know if it was spelled April Fools’ or April Fool’s. And I thought to myself, Wow, this is gonna start a huge drama between April Fools’ and April Fool’s.

It was in that pivotal moment that I realized that, even though we have a whole day specifically for epic pranks, we don’t have any day at all to celebrate huge drama. It is for this reason that I hereby declare March 31 to be Big Drama Day. 

To start off the first annual celebration, I am going to list everything that I am going to start a drama with today.

Drama Number 1: the Suez Canal boat

Why’d it have to get loose? I liked when it was stuck in there.

Drama Number 2: dining hall boxes

Sometimes the food inside them is too hot!

Drama Number 3: my Keurig®

It makes some really concerning noises. I can’t tell if it’s broken or if the coffee is supposed to taste this bad.

Drama Number 4: the first column I ever wrote

I was going for something that I know now is not my thing. It was too niche and not very funny. I don’t even watch basketball.

Drama Number 5: the TV show “Rick and Morty

Why do the characters look like that?

Drama Number 6: the movie “Tenet

I didn’t understand it!

Drama Number 7: the documentary “Sans Soleil”

I really didn’t understand it!

Drama Number 8: the sweater that I shrunk in the wash

It’s too small to wear now.

Drama Number 9: South Bend weather

High of 36 degrees on Thursday, but 68 degrees on Saturday? Make up your mind!

Drama Number 10: ND-guest

Sometimes I can’t get into a website and it’s because my computer is connected to ND-guest instead of eduroam. 

Drama Number 11: almonds and red meat

So delicious but so environmentally unsustainable.

Drama Number 12: non-fungible tokens

This phrase should mean an arcade coin that is not capable of becoming a mushroom, and yet it does not. Highly disappointing. I also don’t understand them.

Drama Number 13: March Madness

Why so angry?

Drama Number 14: the Fibonacci spiral

It doesn’t deserve all that hype.

Drama Number 15: the TV show “Bridgerton

I keep thinking of points to bring up in English class discussions and then I’ll realize, That didn’t happen in a relevant literary intertext, that happened in “Bridgerton!” And then I will feel deep shame.

Drama Number 16: Big Yoshi

He’s just sitting there.

Drama Number 17: the cauliflower I saw on South Quad

Food on the ground is gross. 

I hope you enjoyed all the epic drama I started on Big Drama Day, which is today. I know that you all are probably saying that I “don’t understand what drama is” and I “didn’t have a good column idea for this week” and I “wrote this in an hour.” But you know what I have to say to that? 

You just became Drama Number 18.

Ella Wisniewski is a junior studying English and economics. She tries her best not to take herself too seriously. You can reach her at [email protected] or @ellawisn on Twitter.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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