Huge drama column (not clickbait)
Ella Wisniewski | Wednesday, March 31, 2021
When I sat down to write this column, I first thought that I should do a big prank on you guys for April Fools’ Day. Then, I realized that I didn’t know if it was spelled April Fools’ or April Fool’s. And I thought to myself, Wow, this is gonna start a huge drama between April Fools’ and April Fool’s.
It was in that pivotal moment that I realized that, even though we have a whole day specifically for epic pranks, we don’t have any day at all to celebrate huge drama. It is for this reason that I hereby declare March 31 to be Big Drama Day.
To start off the first annual celebration, I am going to list everything that I am going to start a drama with today.
Drama Number 1: the Suez Canal boat
Why’d it have to get loose? I liked when it was stuck in there.
Drama Number 2: dining hall boxes
Sometimes the food inside them is too hot!
Drama Number 3: my Keurig®
It makes some really concerning noises. I can’t tell if it’s broken or if the coffee is supposed to taste this bad.
Drama Number 4: the first column I ever wrote
I was going for something that I know now is not my thing. It was too niche and not very funny. I don’t even watch basketball.
Drama Number 5: the TV show “Rick and Morty”
Why do the characters look like that?
Drama Number 6: the movie “Tenet”
I didn’t understand it!
Drama Number 7: the documentary “Sans Soleil”
I really didn’t understand it!
Drama Number 8: the sweater that I shrunk in the wash
It’s too small to wear now.
Drama Number 9: South Bend weather
High of 36 degrees on Thursday, but 68 degrees on Saturday? Make up your mind!
Drama Number 10: ND-guest
Sometimes I can’t get into a website and it’s because my computer is connected to ND-guest instead of eduroam.
Drama Number 11: almonds and red meat
So delicious but so environmentally unsustainable.
Drama Number 12: non-fungible tokens
This phrase should mean an arcade coin that is not capable of becoming a mushroom, and yet it does not. Highly disappointing. I also don’t understand them.
Drama Number 13: March Madness
Why so angry?
Drama Number 14: the Fibonacci spiral
It doesn’t deserve all that hype.
Drama Number 15: the TV show “Bridgerton”
I keep thinking of points to bring up in English class discussions and then I’ll realize, That didn’t happen in a relevant literary intertext, that happened in “Bridgerton!” And then I will feel deep shame.
Drama Number 16: Big Yoshi
He’s just sitting there.
Drama Number 17: the cauliflower I saw on South Quad
Food on the ground is gross.
I hope you enjoyed all the epic drama I started on Big Drama Day, which is today. I know that you all are probably saying that I “don’t understand what drama is” and I “didn’t have a good column idea for this week” and I “wrote this in an hour.” But you know what I have to say to that?
You just became Drama Number 18.
Ella Wisniewski is a junior studying English and economics. She tries her best not to take herself too seriously. You can reach her at [email protected] or @ellawisn on Twitter.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.