The real unknowns of the Pfizer vaccine: A modest proposal

In a recent letter to the editor, a pair of esteemed and clearly well-educated Notre Dame graduate students highlighted a grave issue related to the Pfizer vaccine currently being doled out to Notre Dame students. Specifically, that the vaccine makes use of an aborted fetal cell. Their outrage is understandable and must be adequately addressed.

This is why I come forward with an alternative, a modest proposal to solve this great problem. We must use cells from born babies rather than unborn ones in our vaccines. Anything else would be dangerous, unconscionable and, frankly, not worthy of touching our venerable Notre Dame blood.

The reasons are clear. For starters, born babies are superior to unborn babies because they’ve been born. They’ve survived the womb and made it out into the world; they’ve learned how to live on their own, not sucking on the nutrients of another like some sick parasite. The cells of born babies would be stronger and preferable; they’d be fit to fight off COVID-19. If an unborn fetus cannot survive the womb, how can it survive a deadly virus? And honestly, who would want bits of an unborn fetus floating around in their vaccine?

Sourcing these born baby cells may be more difficult than normal. Usually, we could turn to poor people, paying them for their babies and simultaneously stimulating the economy. And not only would we be able to use their babies for their cells, but we could also eat them, solving issues with the nation’s food supply chain and bringing some more inclusive, gluten-free options to the dining hall. However, the liberal elites in the White House continue sending exorbitant checks to our nation’s poor people, making them less likely to sell their babies and making it more difficult for the rest of us to get safe and ethical vaccines.

A second option presents itself right under our noses. Without condoms, birth control or reasonable sex education, the Notre Dame student body seems to be the perfect source for a steady stream of babies. Let them have sex! And make it unsafe.

By loosening parietals slightly, asking RAs to turn a blind eye just this once and providing hospitable locations (Hesburgh study rooms, DeBart custodial closets, the Holy Cross graveyard), Our Lady’s University can ensure that students will be able to have more sex and, ideally, produce more babies. Being good Catholics, we know they won’t abort these babies, and being full-time students living in dorms, we know they won’t want to keep them either. The University can also offer added incentives such as a tuition credit or flex points for students who produce a child and hand over its healthy cells.

The COVID-19 pandemic has brought about truly unprecedented circumstances, and it’s imperative that people are vaccinated as soon as possible, but compromising our values and our health by accepting unborn fetus cells instead of demanding born baby cells is something we as God-fearing and baby-loving Christians cannot stand for. This isn’t about being anti-vaccines or anti-abortion, this is about being anti-compromise, putting your foot down on some arbitrary line and, even if it means risking the health and well-being of everyone around you, saying no. Require that your vaccine contain real baby cells. Never settle.