Hello Bachelor Nation, and welcome to the Claire and Mariah aftershow! We decided to get together and share our thoughts with you all instead of just eachother and Twitter. There’s no time to waste, so let’s get started.
This week started where the last episode ended — Clare is still wearing one of her many disco ball dresses, and Yosef of week one’s Dollar Store Tyler C. drama is upset about the strip dodgeball game. For some reason, Yosef thinks last week’s game was an “atrocity” as if he’s never seen any Bachelor franchise show before. For everyone watching at home, take a drink every time Yosef uses his daughter as an excuse to act like a douche on national television. Anyway, Yosef confronts Clare, and of course it doesn’t go over well. We aren’t going to give Classless Yosef any more space here but just know … He says some awful, sexist things to Clare and leaves the show. Of course, Frontrunner Dale swoops in and acts like the Prince Charming he is in Clare’s eyes.
We’re going to fast forward through a boring rose ceremony because we need to get to the main event: Apparently someone died and made Dale king of all of the show, and he asks to pull Clare aside at the start of a cocktail party, and gives some nonsensical speeches about “brotherhood.” He promises it will only be five minutes and … An hour later … Dale and Clare are still “busy” in her room. Don’t you love watching a group of eight twenty and thirty-somethings get sexiled? Yeah, us neither. Understandably, the other guys are pissed, and it doesn’t improve from there.
After a one-on-one that ends with Zach J. getting dumped by proxy by Chris Harrison, the next group date is a roast — of the other guys in the house. What could possibly go wrong? Of course, the other contestants in the house make some lighthearted jokes about Dale and Clare, and much like Michael Scott’s poor reaction to his coworker’s jokes from “The Office,” it went over badly, to say the least. Clare then spends the entire cocktail party asking her dates to gossip with her about Dale — because talking with the girl you’re dating about the guy she likes is always such a good time for everyone involved. The night ends with Clare giving the rose to herself, because, you know, that’s how this show works.
Somehow Clare is allegedly the most “mature” and the most juvenile Bachelor franchise lead we’ve seen in a long time. Where does this leave us? Impatiently awaiting Tayshia’s arrival. Seriously, it can’t come soon enough.
Since most of the people on this season are acting like they’re in high school, let’s go over some yearbook superlatives from this week’s episode.
Most Classless: Yosef. Clare may be immature and terrible at feigning interest at anyone who’s not Dale, but speaking to someone like that is never acceptable. Thankfully, he left before he could become this season’s Luke P.
Best Contestant Who’s Also a Party City Costume Model:Dale
Worst Actress: Clare. Allegedly, she’s waited literal years for the opportunity to date 30 men at once and she can’t even pretend she’s interested for one measly cocktail party?
One of the Many WTF Moments: Why is Clare smelling Dale’s pants? Seriously, that’s the atrocity here. Along with everything else she forced us to watch this episode.
Class Clown: Eazy. Our straight-up king gave us some much needed comic relief in a frustrating whiplash rollercoaster ride of an episode. Thank God for his patterned polo and meme-worthy facial reactions for saving us from the Clare and Dale simp show.
Best Roast: Hands down, Bennett. He said what we were all thinking and delivered a well-deserved roast of Dale. Thank you for your service, our chiseled god.
Best Impression: Jason, for the spot on dazed and confused Dale impersonation.
Most Likely to Look Exactly like his Job Title: Kenny, the boy band manager. Do you think he could get us One Direction’s phone numbers? Just kidding … unless?
Villain of the Season So Far: In a historic first, Clare is both the lead AND the villain in her own season.
Best Thing About This Episode: Tayshia in the last 10 seconds!
The Quotes Keeping Us Up at Night
“You’re not fit to be a mother to my child.” — Yosef
“I can’t believe it’s not even the second rose ceremony and I’m so falling in love.” — Clare
“There’s going to be a true crime podcast about you guys” — absolute hero Margaret Cho
“Since when are men allowed to point out red flags on this show?” — Mariah
“I … uh … I … just got confused.” — Dale, while “trying to find the bathroom” and instead making out with Clare against a wall
“Can the Bachelor contestants unionize?” — Our friend Emma
“My fiance” — Clare, after two weeks about Dale
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