Get psyched for spring break

For those of you whose lives don’t revolve around insignificant holidays, it is my pleasure to inform you that Spring Forward is this Sunday! Spring Forward and Fall Back are my favorite holidays of the year, so I’m pretty pumped.

But most of you aren’t hype, and it’s kind of cramping my style. The only possible explanation for such ambivalence about the time change is ignorance, so I thought I would educate the masses on why it is so amazing. 

The origin of Daylight Saving Time (DST) is somewhat disputed. Some say Benjamin Franklin devised the idea, while others believe farmers first developed it. I like to think the concept was handed down to us by the gods on golden scrolls.

Of course, the actual implication of DST was much less noble. It was first introduced during World War I and World War II to save energy. The next couple of decades after World War II was somewhat of a “will they, won’t they” between the United States and DST. Thankfully, love was in the air during the sixties, and the Uniform Time Act of 1966 standardized DST across the U.S. 

The Uniform Time Act created six months of DST and six months of Standard Time. But just like children of divorced parents, even if a court orders equal time between houses, the kids end up wanting to stay with the fun parent a little longer. So in 1986 and 2005, DST was expanded by a month.

But as they say, “haters gonna hate.” Hawaii and Arizona have opted to keep Standard Time year-round. For that reason, I refuse to travel to those states, which is why instead of going to Hawaii for spring break I will be visiting the grave of Benjamin Franklin for a week. I also refuse to talk to people from those states. If I’m contributing to the current political polarization problem plaguing the U.S., then so be it. I just find it hard to converse with people of such different values than my own. 

Then, last year my beloved time change came under fire when the Senate passed the Sunshine Protection Act, which would put an end to the semiannual changing of the clocks. Not to get political, but this law sucks and made me lose faith in the Republic. It was difficult to imagine something I loved so much disappearing before my eyes. It reminded me of the time Kellogg discontinued Cinnamon Raisin Bran. Although the Senate bill served as a good reminder that everything I love is fleeting, I will not stand for this.

This bill is a threat to national security. It might not just be the time change that they’re after. If we continue down this dark path, the government may do away with every fun holiday without practical meaning. If we aren’t careful, they might nix Groundhog Day too. The next thing we know, Punxsutawney Phil will be out of a job and doing OnlyFans just to make ends meet. 

So what if the time change doesn’t make sense? I have long loved our tradition of changing the clocks. While it may be senseless, it is our fun little tradition.

But the Sunshine Protection Act wasn’t the first time that dropping the time change has been proposed. In 1973 during the energy crisis, President Nixon called for year-round Daylight Saving. However, the proposal ultimately failed because of low approval. Now, I’m not much of a history buff, but from what I’ve heard, this Nixon guy does not have a good rep. So are we even sure we want to use his old ideas? 

After all, it’s really hard to tell if DST or Standard Time is better, so why not have them both? There is evidence that both lead to more deaths, diseases, robberies, depression, car wrecks, etc. I don’t mean to make light of this situation, but my conclusion is that the world is already pretty messed up, and the time change is just the scapegoat for our problems.

There are even disputes amongst farmers about whether the time change is beneficial. But as an avid Hayday player, I’m here to speak on behalf of all farmers and set the record straight: we love the time change.

Other people who love the time change are outdoor recreation companies that get a big boost from DST, gaining between $200 million and $400 million for each month the U.S. is on DST. As a consumerism lover, it brings me joy to see Americans wasting their money on things they don’t need, boosting the economy. It’s also why Black Friday is my third favorite holiday. 

I implore you to see the light and open your eyes to how amazing DST is. It creates a little sizzle in my otherwise mundane life and provides me with a topic of conversation when I have nothing else to say (which is quite often). So this Sunday, come celebrate with me by buying an energy drink to help with the lost hour of sleep, listen to “The Times Are A-Changing” by Bob Dylan at 2 a.m. and watch the time magically change to 3 a.m.