Notre Dame is a school of unfulfilled potential. The football team had the potential to go undefeated. Mendoza students had the potential to grow the good in business. And first-years had the potential to maintain a healthy sleep schedule. But like always, the football team lost to Northern Illinois, Mendoza students flaunt the logos of big banks on LinkedIn and the lethal combination of gen chem and dorm parties wreaked havoc on freshmen REM cycles. But for once, we as Notre Dame students have the chance to fulfill our potential by becoming a hammocking school.
This school has lived in the past for too long. Let's face it, the football team hasn’t been good since the 80s. Notre Dame needs to root its identity in something new, and that thing is hammocking. Hammocking (commonly known as mocking), is our path to a better Notre Dame. Let the students take to the quads, hammocks in hand and joy in their hearts. I envision a campus in which no tree is left hammock-less. When prospective students ask “Why ND?” let us respond with one word only: hammocks. Mocking is the future of Notre Dame.
But why should our new identity be rooted in mocking? After all, don’t we have our Catholic identity to fall back on when things are not going well on the football field? To those questions, I pose one of my own: what is even better than practicing Catholicism? Practicing Catholicism while in a hammock! I wrote some of my most inspired foundations of theology essays while mocking. Hammocks even make a biblical appearance in Isaiah 24:20, “The earth shall stagger like a drunken man, and shall sway to and fro like a hammock.”
Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but if you switch the order of the chapter and verse, it makes 2024. This was always destined to be the year of the hammocks.
But the benefits of mocking are far from a conspiracy. For one, mocking is great for the pelvis. When we sit on hard surfaces for extended intervals, the natural mechanics and alignment of the pelvis are disrupted. But the mocks cushion the pelvis, preventing any mocker from becoming the next hunchback of Notre Dame.
What’s more? Mocking connects us with nature and improves our mood. It is hard to feel down while swinging from the trees like George of the Jungle.
For some, mocking is even a euphoric experience. As mocker Anna Arnett claims, “Mocking is akin to being on drugs and in the womb all at once. And you can do this without endangering yourself or your loved ones!” So if you are ever feeling down, just grab a hammock and you’ll feel better in an instant (actual results may take longer. See a doctor if depression symptoms continue after two weeks).”
What’s great about mocking is that it’s so versatile.
As Dr. Seuss once said: “You can mock by the lake, you can mock while awake. You can mock when you’re sad, you can mock wearing plaid. You can mock at Saint Mary’s College, you can mock while gaining knowledge. You can mock if you’re asthmatic, you can mock if you’re nomadic. You can mock any day, you can mock any way!”
But the best way to mock is with friends.
As social butterfly Mia Postal commented, “Mocking makes me feel like I belong. In such an isolating world, mocking allows me to be part of something bigger than myself.”
Mocking has the potential to bring this campus together. And the user satisfaction rates speak for themselves. Among the people I mock with, 100 percent of those people enjoy mocking.
According to avid mocker senior Natalie Assink, “Mocking transcends all other experiences at Notre Dame”
Despite all the benefits, it won't be easy to become a mocking school. I anticipate that a full-scale takeover will be necessary to transform Notre Dame from a school of nerds to a home of inspired mockers. Soon hammocks will hang from every tree, blocking sidewalks and doors, making it impossible for pedestrians to ignore the wave of hammocks overtaking campus. Gradually, those groundlings will be lured to the mocks. After all, free-thinking died the day the Cupid Shuffle was released and continues to shrivel up in its grave every time someone purchases a Stanley.
Luckily, hammocking has low barriers to entry. Hammocks sell for as low as $9.99 but can run as high as $3,999, in case you are looking to engage in some conspicuous consumption. The type of hammock you buy is up to personal preference. Some are 100 percent nylon while others are woven from cotton rope. You can find any kind of hammock you want. But if you want a hammock that looks like a banana, DO NOT search “banana hammock.” You will not find what you are looking for.
As for mocking spots, I would recommend the lakes, Stonehenge and God Quad. But really any place with two trees of reasonable distance apart invites the opportunity to mock. So it’s time, students of ND. Take to your favorite mock spot and make ND a mocking school. And if you’re still not convinced, don’t mock it ‘till you try it.
Allison Abplanalp is a junior finance and accounting major. If she could change one thing about the English language, she would make "a lot" one word. Her least favorite month is March because every year she is devastated when she fails to pick the perfect March Madness bracket. You can contact Allison at aabplana@nd.edu.
