Football season, along with a serious rise in alcohol-related car accidents, has begun once again! Hurray! Football weekends are a time for all of us to fill our bellies, spill them in the parking lot and enjoy Riley Leonard’s reign at Notre Dame. But what does campus do during the weekdays? Study? No! To feed their insatiable desire for pigskin, students and fans are entertained by a league turned ruthless and injurious due to the unsportsmanlike conduct of McGlinn Hall in Notre Dame women’s flag football.
“McGlinn Hall has caused irreparable psychological and physical damage in the women’s league at Notre Dame this year,” Charlie Knutts, chair of the discipline committee for RecSports, said. “If their unsportsmanlike behavior continues, severe disciplinary action may be necessary.” The committee is also calling into question the continuance of McGlinn’s potential to play in the interhall competition next season.
What has happened to cause the situation to get to this point? According to the concussed Alexandra Turpin, who suffered three fractured ribs in last week’s game against McGlinn, “I ate all the fancy soaps in the bathroom.”
A staff member at South Bend’s Memorial Hospital clarified.
“Her concussion is serious,” she said. “She refuses to listen to the doctors and she won’t stop babbling about wanting to run a post route.”
After this disturbing evidence, I began to question the legality of McGlinn Hall Football. I went undercover, posing as a mustached custodian named Jeb Alls, in order to further my research. What I found was shocking.
Enticed by the prospect of a championship game in the varsity stadium, McGlinn Hall (otherwise known by their football team name, The Saintly Shamrocks) is willing to do whatever it takes. When I questioned McGlinn’s coach, Fedel Celis, about his team’s dangerous tactics, he became irate and said, “it’s not my fault we know how to win, Carl. If you’re gonna McPlay us, you’re gonna McDie. If you’re lucky, you might only get McConcussed.”
Fedel, who is currently appealing a suspension for spiking the opponents’ water jugs with estrogen pills, continued, “Our team has a mission to play in the varsity stadium, and we stick to it. We ain’t gonna let nothing slip through the cracks here. So when we score and we’re up by forty in the fourth quarter, mark my words, we’re gonna go for two every single time.”
It doesn’t stop there. Multiple players on McGlinn’s football team have committed enough penalties to warrant expulsion from the league. Sophomore wide receiver Maddie Zitella, founder and president of the inclusion and acceptance initiative on campus, is averaging more taunting penalties than touchdowns per game. “I would moss a senior citizen if I could,” she said after a heated 42-3 victory against Lewis Hall. Zitella had four receiving touchdowns and ninety yards worth of penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Her teammate, Lilly McKibbon, has racked up three targeting fouls, resulting in multiple ejections throughout the first four games. When asked if this put her team in jeopardy, she became hostile and said, “what kind of candy a*s question is that? ‘Offensive Pass Interference’ is my middle name, and we’re still out here hospitalizing chicks and winning by fifty.”
After McGlinn’s gut wrenching game last Saturday, I interviewed one of their opposers. “Lilly and I are in harmonia together, and we have a blast,” Nora Evans, a resident of Lewis Hall, said. “But when I played against her last week, instead of pulling my flag to mark me as down, she clotheslined me and spat in my face.”
To which Lilly responded, “It doesn’t matter who you are. If you run a slant route across the middle, I’m taking off your head. But Nora does have a great voice. If I didn’t damage her larynx, I’m looking forward to singing with her on Sunday.”
I found McGlinn’s behavior appalling and potentially criminal. At one point I observed one of their defensive backs throw multiple elbows, deck a sidelined substitute and chuck a rock at the ref - all in the same play. And I thought to myself, “my God, these people are crazy, and this is only practice.”
Thomas Boles, the sophomore coach of the Ryan Hall team, asked, “How is McGlinn allowed to play us? Their coach is suspended, and there is an ambulance required for every single one of their games!”
Ryan Hall prepares to face McGlinn this Tuesday.
“We’re gonna get murdered, and I’m not talking about the scoreboard,” said the Ryan Hall quarterback. “I’m calling in sick.”
"I have been Heaven's substitute to recompense the good. Now the God of Vengeance yields me his power to punish the wicked." To join J. Rudolph, Esq. in his quest to dismantle the deep state and find out who really killed JFK, reach out at jrudolp3@nd.edu.
